Home is Where Your Family Is

buddha statue

My spiritual journey has been the most practical time of my life. And by practical, I mean that practically speaking this path of connecting to Spirit has made countless changes in my everyday life and the way I relate to myself, my friends, students, fellow teachers, and to my family. These days I’ll begrudgingly admit that the last one is the hardest. Even with my progressive, quinoa and kale-eating, pilates-teaching, past-life talking family, it’s still hard.

In 2016, for the first time in my life, I’m wholeheartedly excited to be living in my hometown, seeing my family weekly and building community in the Northwest.

I began “growing apart” from my family in 2005 when I moved to Boston from my home of Seattle. I just needed something different, something to get me out of the rut of life I found myself in two years after graduating college.

That year, I dove into Yoga with reckless abandon and it began making some huge changes internally and externally. My favorite three studios were a Bikram hot yoga studio, a Baptiste power flow studio, and a great little place that held weekly restorative yoga. A bartender friend and I started attending Sunday morning restorative classes which gave us some space from the fast-paced life of Boston restaurants to feel our bodies and just shut the hell up for an hour and a half.

One Sunday morning, sun streaming in through the front windows amidst a particularly excruciating hip opener, the instructor offered the famous quote, “If you think you’re enlightened, go home.” I laughed along with everyone else and thought it was cute and witty. I didn’t have any idea how much this statement would affect me over the next 10 years.

Back then when I returned home to visit family and friends in Seattle, it was full of reunion, doing our favorite things, catching up and relating on mutually agreeable terms. My college friends were moving in some different directions, but we still had similar struggles in how to find our places in the world with idealism, creativity and some reality checks about paying rent and car insurance.

At the end of my year in Boston, I moved to Kripalu, a Yoga retreat center in western Massachusetts, and had two intense months of practice, introspection and growth. When I returned to Seattle in November 2006, it was the first time I felt…well, different. Like maybe my family didn’t understand me quite as well as they had before. Like maybe my priorities had really changed from those around me. And what do you know…judgment! So. Much. Judgment.

I had these recurring thoughts that my family wasn’t good enough, that their ways were so mundane, that they should (ugh!) be doing what I was doing. I judged their jobs, their habits, their food choices and mostly that they choose to live a life that was based in routine and patterns.

Here’s the first rub from the aforementioned enlightenment statement about going home: my family triggered a lot of the things I realized I didn’t want to be anymore. When I get triggered, one of two things happen. Either I freeze and just want to crawl into a hole and hide, or I get upset and reactive and want to yell and scream at whoever offended me. When this happens, there’s not much chance of me responding with compassion, kindness and patience and things tend to turn into a conflict or an argument and elevate more.

I didn’t know before I had left for those first few years away that my family that everyone had unspoken agreements about how I was supposed to act within the family dynamic – as a sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, niece, granddaughter. They assumed I was the same as the last time we saw each other. As did my fiancé who was living in Seattle. And his family. And my college friends and high school friends.

During those beginning years on my spiritual journey, I started resenting my family for simply being who they were and who they had always been. And, man, that’s not fair to them.

I was frustrated by the things I was and was not supposed to talk about and ask questions about, like why we did the things we did and what was the motivation behind my family’s lifestyle, something maybe they didn’t think too much about. I wanted to have all those deep, mysterious conversations about authenticity, spiritual practice, ways to transform my inner and outer landscape and the like.

I made the mistake that nearly everyone makes when “coming back” – a term I grew to resent more and more over the years of coming and going – believing that what I was talking about was more important than what my family was talking about. That how they lived their lives wasn’t good enough. I will admit I said some very hurtful things. And I hated being in my hometown.

I especially hated being in the suburbs. A lot. I had grown to love city life and country life, but the suburbs are a confusing jungle somewhere in the middle, in my very humble opinion, and I get lost with the miles of strip malls, unpredictable traffic, airplane noise, and very sad expressions on people’s faces. Suburbs drained me. And my family’s routines drained me, too.

Early in 2007 I took my first adult trip into the wider world: 3 months of WWOOFing (Willing Workers on Organic Farms) in New Zealand. I was joined by a friend from Kripalu, someone who was in a similar place of shedding the old and attempting to live a conscious life. It’s great to have compatriots and commiserators on the path. We spent a lot of time unpacking our emotions, recognizing our patterns and saying how we wanted to be free of all of that. And we were living it thousands of miles from America, from our families, the places we get stuck, and in the midst of living with Kiwis – the most grounded, connected and open people I had met as a whole.

And then I came back to Seattle again in 2007 – to my awaiting fiancé and family, which was really hard. So hard, in fact, that the relationship with my fiancé ended abruptly and I spiraled into my quarter life crisis and picking myself apart for not being on more solid ground by the time I was 27.

After the very challenging breakup, I grew to resent being in Seattle even more. The worst part for me was that I was living in the suburbs on the eastside of Seattle. It was actually a very sweet location, just above the Redmond farmlands and Woodinville wineries, but it was at least an hour from my family, 30-90 minutes commute to my music teaching jobs, and the other random work I took that year to cover the rent, like bartending at a golf course.

I wanted to leave again so badly that I was taking it out on everyone. I was even more bitter towards my very, very patient family. And then finally my mom gave me an out. Out of the blue one day she sent me a job ad for teaching English in Korea, which led very quickly to my first overseas teaching gig.

So did I get all that resentment and frustration out of my system? Alas, no. Which brings up my first lesson about digging up things with your family.

Lesson 1: Go wherever you want for as long as you want. Your lessons will be waiting for you when you get back.

The universe is patient. Very patient. Your karma is there to work out with your family whether you like it or not. And if you’re like me, you probably don’t. I ran away from my lessons again and again, but they were always waiting like an eager puppy ready to pounce and lick my face when I came home.

After three joyful, independent and sometimes lonely years among expats, travelers and Yogis, I once again came back home. My return to the Seattle suburbs in 2011 began with some peace and settling in, as I lived at my mom’s house on a lake, had long morning practices and spent regular time with my niece and new nephew. I was happy to be home and inspired to become a full-time yoga and music teacher, hoping it would all come pretty easily.

And it did. Until it didn’t.

I craved the company of people who inspired me like my expat friends had, to be around people who threw caution to the wind and jumped on a plane to the Philippines at a moment’s notice.

You can grow and change as much as you want while you’re away. When you come back, most likely your family will be pretty much the same as you left. They’ll be enjoying similar routines and patterns while you might be a completely different person with different preferences and habits.

Whatever is waiting in the shadows will come up at some point when you go back home. For me, it’s the way my family talks to me and pretends like we haven’t hurt each other over the years. We like to live in the realm of “everything’s okay.” That feels to me like being in denial about our years of stuff that we could be working out and forgiving each other for. We could be developing new patterns around our triggers – pretending they’re not there does not make them go away. If that were the case, we would be the perfect family model.

This continues to be a struggle today. Last week, my mom said to me, “Aren’t you over that yet?” about some childhood pain. Sure, it was 20 years ago but no, I’m not over it yet. So as I work on forgiving myself and my family, I invite them into the work, too. I can choose to say things to my mom like, “Actually, I still have some hurt feelings around that. And I don’t blame you. I’d really appreciate it if we could talk about that.” Another example is a conversation my sister and I had recently about our co-dependent relationship patterns. I find that by acknowledging our familial patterns with acceptance instead of denying them and playing the victim/martyr empowers me to make better choices in the present. And I can see how it helps my sister also uncover some hidden motivations and maybe feel free to make new choices, too.

I’m not sure that everyone feels that way, yet. We’re still learning, I guess.

 

Lesson 2: You’ll probably need to relearn how to communicate with family.

If you need something different, you have to ask! This is very, very hard for most of us. And even if you do develop the language to ask, your family members may not be able to give you what you need. Or they may have some resentment that you’re not appreciating them the way they are.

Let’s face it: most of us haven’t spent a lot of time negotiating and communicating about how we talk to each other. Maybe you’ve gotten good at that with your chosen family or close friends, but there is a lot more freedom to do that with people you don’t have 20+ years of history with. And a childhood. And guilt, shame and all the other things we build up conditioning around. Not to mention that our parents are doing the best with what they were given. Do you think they have any more tools of healthy communication than you do? Not likely, unless your dad happens to be Rodney Yee or Jack Kornfield.

Most of us live in our family patterns our entire lives without changing them. We hold the same grudges, speak to each other with the same tone of voice – like passive-aggressive, martyr, straight aggressive, even abusive and toxic patterns, etc. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to change these patterns and ask for something different. But someone needs to. None of us were born with perfect families. We all have karma and stuff to sort out in this lifetime – with our family members. That doesn’t mean we have to come back to abusive situations or make amends with everyone. Maybe our lesson is to make an empowered choice for ourselves not to associate with certain people. Maybe it’s to develop more compassion. Maybe it’s to forgive. Even Ramakrishna, the 19th century enlightened master, was said to scream at his family for their material ways and lower vibrations. I don’t know about you, but that makes me feel better about my family dynamic.

I recently had a talk with my mom about when I was going through PTSD a few years ago and how challenging that was for my family. I took all of my frustration and irritation out on my family and reacted to literally everything they said and did. Nothing was good enough or accepting enough. My mom and I had a great conversation about how I could have asked for help and that they really just wanted the best for me. That gives me a lot of courage to ask for help next time and to let them support me, no matter how messy or uncomfortable it is.

Saying to your parents, “Don’t talk to me like a child,” isn’t going to create new habits. It will probably make your parents feel hurt and get defensive. And please don’t make the mistake of trying to create new patterns while you are feeling triggered or reactive. That will only make things worse. Make some intentional time to talk to each other when everyone has ample time and has eaten (hanger will ruin any good conversation). Bring up a particular pattern, like how they are critical of your job or your partner or some way you feel pressured. Or maybe it’s asking them to express their love or respect.

The same strategies can work for developing communication with your kids! Set up a situation where everyone is comfortable and relaxed, start with some positive conversation or appreciation, then express something that you’d like to change or bring to everyone’s attention. Maybe you’d like to spend more time together, for them to stop asking for money, or to hear that they appreciate you. Ask them for exactly what you’d like and express that you’re doing the best you know how and are willing to make changes that will help them, too.

When we get into these conversations in my family, there are a lot of “Huh! I didn’t realize that hurt you,” or “Well, I’ve never thought about that before.” Give them the benefit of the doubt that if they knew they were hurting you, they’d change. And if you want things to change, take up the difficult responsibility to compassionately and empathetically ask for those changes.

Lesson 3: It takes a lot to accept your family just the way they are.

My students are often asking me about “outgrowing” their friends or finding new community that they can better relate with at this stage of their spiritual growth. If you look back over the last 10, 20, 30 years, you’ll probably notice that your closest friends have shifted more than once. They revolved around your job, your hobbies, where you were living, your spiritual choices, etc.

We get to choose our friends and also choose new friends or allow new community to come into our lives as we change. I find that the people I choose to spend time with these days are people who are on a very similar trajectory as me. That has changed a lot in the past 10 years. I still stay connected with a lot of my communities from the past, but I don’t feel I need to cling to friends I had during other versions of me as we’re growing apart.

That is not the same for your family. We only get one birth/childhood family, plus the new members that are picked up along the way like brother-in-laws and stepmoms. We only get what we’re dealt. So as we change and grow into new versions of ourselves, recognize that they might feel left out. They spent your lifetime loving you the way you were…and now you’re different! In 2000, my mom and brother moved to Australia for a year. When they returned, they were both remarkably different. They had spent the year shedding their skin, taking new adventures and living outside their comfort zone. It was a process of re-balancing for everyone when they returned.

Part of why I love traveling is going to places where no one knows a thing about me and I can show up fully present to what that moment needs. It’s easy to put down baggage when it’s not attached to my immediate surroundings. And part of why I love coming back is because the hugs, kisses, and chats are so deeply familiar and filled with years of collected understanding.

I can clearly see some of the lessons I need to learn from my family – notably patience, forgiveness, communication, and empathy – and why “coming back” is so necessary for me. Going away is very important too. Now I have a fresh perspective on the roles I play and the assumptions I have about where I do and don’t fit in. I’ve experienced what family looks and feels like to different cultures and can recognize that, although my family is far from perfect, they are really trying their best and are willing to support me if I just give them a little guidance and recognition.

 

Lesson 4: You will get triggered by your family. And you can create new patterns.

Home is where most of our programming comes from. We grew up with a whole bunch of  samskaras, patterns or habits that create neural pathways and behavior patterns that we live from our whole lives…or until we learn to rewire them. We can get to the bottom of these motivating thoughts and subconscious programming with a lot of intentional work, like counseling, yoga, mindfulness, ecstatic dance, creative writing, coaching, etc. Eventually we can unravel the causes of our suffering and stop living the same patterns and triggers day after day, year after year, triggers which are often tied to the sights, smells, and memories that we grew up with.

It’s possible to be proactive about the habits that exist in your family dynamic – even if they aren’t your fault or were formed during your childhood – and intentionally create new habits that will keep you present and kind. For example, I really don’t like my sister comparing my lifestyle with hers and complaining about how I spend my time. I could retort, “Well, you’re the one who chose to have kids,” (which I totally have said in the past), or I could say, “I hear you. It’s really tough to raise three kids mindfully. How can I support you?”

Practice with people outside your family who can deal with your upsets and triggers. Role play the hard conversations with people who can give you feedback and hold you through challenging memories. Play the worst-case scenario game and play around with how you would respond to your family member getting really upset by what you are offering. Most likely what actually happens will be easier than that scenario.

Conflict is a natural part of relating. No matter what your family dynamic is, there is conflict on some level. For real. Every relationship has it. If you’re like me, you tried to live in denial of this for a long time. Maybe the conflict in your family lives at the surface and feels constantly volatile. Or maybe it’s buried deep and never mentioned. Be aware that all families have their challenges, their miscommunications, their minefields. Take the lessons you learn on your path into your family dynamic without expecting others to change. But watch out for that judgment and expectation that your siblings should be changing in the same ways you are. That will only create more stress and disappointment.

The patterns that exist in your family have taken decades to create. Even more than that, they are probably ingrained from your parents’ parents and maybe their parents, too. Kindly introduce new ways to communicate and appreciate each other, but don’t expect everyone to jump on the bandwagon. Just because it feels good to you doesn’t mean it feels good to others right away.

I’ve recently started digging up some core wounding around my parents and siblings that I’d love to share with them. I also realize that if I open that can and pour out the contents, it will surely cause some pain. So we talk about things slowly, little by little. My mom gives me time to explain the things I want her to know and I give her time to deal with it in her own way. We’re still working on it, but there feels like a lot of space to talk about things we used to keep tight under the rug. Sure it’s uncomfortable, but every time we uncover a little more it feels like years of tension being lifted.

So be kind to yourself. And be kind to your family. Set the habits that will keep you present and kind, that will keep your love tank full. Remember, you’re in for the long haul with your family. Things take a loooooooong time to change. Years. As another teacher of mine says, “slowly, slowly.”

I Belong Here – I Am at Home

I must start by saying that however near or far we may be, I am grateful that you are a part of my community. I continue to be reminded how important resonance with like-minded, inspiring souls is as I walk this globe and connect with people from unbelievably different circumstances. My community in Seoul continues to expand into different circles, but as usual the people I feel most drawn to and inspired by are those on a path of self-discovery and self-growth. This is the path of Yoga, of finding your truest self through disciplined and continuous searching, cleansing, practicing, sharing and connecting.

It has been many months since I have reached out. And while some things have changed, as they always do, some things have also stayed the same, like my challenge of living in a city of 10+ million people, 25 million in the metropolitan area. The buzzing energy of this city is exciting and exhausting and I am trying to balance how to stay open to the flow of life but also not get sucked into the mainstream ways of living. Fortunately, I do have some really wonderful friends here, both Korean and other nationalities, who support my journey and keep me smiling. The generous Universe has recently thrown some spirits my way who remind me that people who choose to live with consciousness and awareness exist everywhere and that maybe I am the fool for not looking for it more often.

Teaching Yoga

An interesting calling and intuition has appeared lately: to introduce Korea to the style of Yoga that I find most beneficial and direct, Agama Yoga. Not only through my own teachings, but perhaps in inspiring people to go and immerse themselves in a Yoga community. Today I taught a Diving Deep: Yoga to Open the Heart Workshop and by the time the class was over, you could see the cracked-open souls who were daring to bare their hearts to one another. When I first advertised it 3 weeks ago, the class filled up in 24 hours. I have more workshops on the calendar and plan to offer a Transformative Women’s Journey this summer. While I don’t have the energy to teach a full schedule of yoga classes in addition to full-time teaching, etc., I think teaching regular classes is something that I will manifest for the 2nd half of my time here, both in Korean and in English. Plus it really motivates me to study Korean, more than learning conversations about going to the post office. There is always the fine line of boundaries, of knowing when to rest and when to act, and I will listen as best I can to my energy levels and daily need to recharge.

A Prayer

I pray that your world is shimmering with Shakti’s radiant dance and Shiva’s full-on consciousness. May you also take the time soon to connect or reconnect with those who inspire you and whom you in turn inspire.  And may this quote from the Radiance Sutras remind you, as it reminds me, that we are always at home.

Enter the bowl of vastness that is the heart.

Listen to the song that is always resonating.

Give yourself to it with total abandon.

Quiet ecstasy is here –

And a steady, regal sense

Of resting in a perfect spot.

You who are the embodiment of blessing,

Once you know the way,

The nature of attention will call you to return.

Again and again, answer that call,

And be saturated with knowing,

“I belong here, I am at home.”

– The Radiance Sutras, #26

Quietly Rejoicing

living in korea

I’ve been living in Korea again nearly 2 months now and the only real observation I can make is that I Am Present. I am with the familiar, the unfamiliar, the challenging discomforts, the joyous comforts, the new routines and the constant changes with a seamless ease that makes me feel suspended between this world and another. It’s like I am watching a beautiful life of synchronicities and serendipitous meetings unfold, watching the moments pass by with simultaneous bliss and suffering, and screaming with gratitude all the while.

December  in Seoul was a month of loneliness, confusion, heartache, uber-caffeine and a wacky diet, and also a very stable yoga practice with a tapas (discipline) of heavy pranayama and meditation. I had a winter’s hibernation and barely left my house for 6 weeks, taking a lot of silence, reflecting on my cravings for people and things, and accepting my less-than-exuberant emotional and physical state. There was a solid week where I was so angry at myself for coming here and completely convinced that I had made the wrong choice. It was hard. And as I emerge, I feel that the cocoon has preserved and evolved me with stronger and more beautiful wings with which to fly into new and unknown territory.

Connection

Since I started living and teaching in Korea again in early January, I’ve found a lot of companionship and positive energy in my colleagues. I am adjusting my daily practice to move into what supports me while teaching full-time to high-energy kindergartners, abstained for 3 weeks from coffee and sugar, and seriously reset my diet. I enter a new month feeling energized, excited for the year ahead, and without fear or doubt that I am right where I need to be, learning lessons I have been perfectly ripened for.

I am blessed to be on a 10-month journey with a group of people moving through the yamas and niyamas, the traditional ways to live according to the Yoga path. This week we began month five, aparigraha or non-attachment, which I find to be the crux of a spiritual lifestyle. The basis of non-attachment for me is TRUST, which is my intention for 2015. The more I actually let go, relax into the intelligence of the Universe, and laugh at the ridiculousness of my claim to know anything, the easier I can accept what comes and let go of what goes. It is a dance that takes practice, precision, and expertise, and eventually completely freeing oneself of all those things. Good thing I packed my dancing shoes.

New Opportunities

When I first got to Seoul, the Universe directed me to a few interesting opportunities which I decided to pursue. One was to audition for an international choir which has a pretty solid rehearsal and performance schedule throughout the year. I haven’t sung in a choir in many, many years so I was excited and nervous when I found out a few weeks ago that I was accepted. We started rehearsals last week and already my soul is rejoicing at getting to make music with trained singers and sing in beautiful, beneficial engagements around Korea. Apparently, this year is one of making music for me, with teaching music full-time and singing once or twice a week with the choir. And in this, a part of me that’s been trying to get my attention for a while quietly rejoices.

Another opportunity was a small organization I found that coaches and tutors North Korean refugees living in Seoul. I expressed interest in volunteering a few weeks ago and am now coaching two North Korean refugees on telling their story and speaking about how to change things for North Koreans and refugees. One has already been accepted to speak at three engagements in the US in two weeks, and I have a feeling they will both be frequently commissioned as the national and global energy for Korean Unification grows this year. I’ve started posting on the Supporters without Borders page with links, information, and how you can help if you’re interested. I personally believe Korean Unification is imminent and it’s up to us an international community to offer much-needed support however we can. Please visit the page and offer your encouragement!

I made a few blog posts earlier this month with some photos of the adorable kids in my school and my quaint and peaceful apartment. I also posted about my visa trip to Japan, a hilarious comedy of errors that involved traveling to Japan and back twice in subsequent weeks to get my Korean work visa.

The Usual Unexpected Twists

Quite unexpectedly, right after I started my job, I was asked if I could teach yoga to the staff one evening a week. It became obvious that there was a lot of interest, so I accepted and we began our classes tonight. Six women attended, with many more excited to join next week, and they have already asked me to teach several times a week for 2+ hours a class. That sort of aspiration cannot go unheeded, in my opinion. I had no intention of teaching yoga this year and thought that I would take a little sabbatical, but I warmly welcome this opportunity and hope that my students will find peace, balance, and restoration from our practices together. I am in jaw-dropping awe of where the Universe has already led me in the past 7 weeks and baffled to even imagine what this year in Korea will look like.

Which leads me to my wrap up and take home from this lengthy post: be open to what comes.

Life is endlessly unexpected, and being present is the only way to embrace the stream of blessings and be in love with every moment. If you want to experience being present and how to suffer from your notions and expectations, try teaching anything (especially kindergarten) for a day. Every time I am stuck in the past or what I think “should” be happening I suffer, and my students also suffer as a byproduct of my power struggle. I see how being attached not only harms me but everyone around me.

I recently read The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra and love the techniques he offers in applying detachment to everyday life: “Today I will factor uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of problems, out of confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.”

For me, the gratitude is truly endless. I love living in Korea. I am in love with every moment and amazed at what keeps falling in my lap. May you also experience boundless acceptance and expansion in your days and nights this lunar cycle.

Alone, Grateful and Confused

Normally at this time of year people send out a little wrap-up of their year in progress, things they’ve accomplished, trips taken, family milestones, and plans for the new year. That is not the intention of this writing, so please don’t be disappointed by the non-traditional end of the year correspondence. And I’m grateful that you’re here to read my musings, yet again.

I have been reminded lately of one of my favorite sayings, “If you want to make God laugh, just tell him your plans.” I continue to learn the ebb and flow between ideas, plans, and spontaneous actions inspired by intuition. Which leads us to my current situation of flying through the air alone and landing in Seoul a few days ago without a safety net. One thing I continue to experience more and more is a feeling of expansion and a “knowing” that there are no wrong decisions. In fact, there are no decisions. Intuition tells us everything we need to know, including the responsibility we need to take for our actions, the effects our actions will cause, and to trust that this, too, is right. I recently read about this phenomenon in The Tao of Pooh. “From our natural state (the Uncarved Block) comes the ability to enjoy the simple and the quiet, the natural and the plain. Along with that comes the ability to do things spontaneously and have them work, odd as that may appear to others at times.”

After a few months of emotional ups and downs, pushing and pulling, and an constant letting go into the unknown of relationships, finances, family, and practice, I followed my intuition and bought a one-way ticket to Seoul with the possibility of getting a job teaching music and theater to gifted kindergarten students in the massive capital of South Korea. You probably know me to be a spontaneous person, trusting in my intuition and going on many an adventure into the wide world. But this was new to me. In the past, I’ve always had a plan of attack where I went, a workshop or retreat to attend, a place to volunteer and serve, a job, etc. I must specifically thank the influence of my partner these past few years in reminding me time and time again to trust what comes and what feels right as the “right thing.”

When I had the thought of just going to Korea (it was literally one of those moments where you feel the light come on over your head) I smiled at the ridiculousness of it, especially in how quickly I would be leaving Seattle and that I would be alone for the holidays with so much uncertainty and emotional confusion left at home. And I decided to jump feet first instead of continuing to wait for the “perfect thing,” which seemed like it wouldn’t manifest over any more time scanning job ads on the computer. And then came the beauty of being present and not upset by other people’s reactions to my decision.

Fast forward one week and here I am in Seoul, snow and all, alone, grateful, and still confused. I realized a long time ago that feelings are not geographically contained. That may seem obvious to you, but it’s taken me a lot of years of mistakes, messiness, and heartache to really know. Whatever you leave in your home, your holiday spot, your schools, etc, will still be there – no matter where you go in the world. What I’ve left in Seattle is mostly an unfathomable abundance of Love and acceptance. I feel so grateful to miss my family, something I know that a lot of families don’t experience no matter how long they’re apart. I’m grateful to have led some amazing emotional and spiritual journeys this year with my community, to meet new like-minded souls, to inspire and be inspired, and to connect even deeper with those who resonate with my crazy ways.

And I’m grateful that I can take action in my life without letting fear paralyze me, to jump continents, jobs, relationships, experiences, and accept whatever comes next. Or to stay still and be with what is in one place for a while. Let’s get this straight: it’s not that I don’t experience fear. I feel afraid every single day. But I let this be a tool to guide me to making intuitive decisions, not a barrier to moving forward with growth and change.

And this is what I want to continue working with in the New Year. Intuition. Internal guidance. It’s easy enough to say that I know everything I need to know and already am everything I need to be, but to believe it and LIVE it is quite another. I’ve been telling myself those things for seven years and now I’m ready to trust in my intuition and follow where it leads. I find that it often feels fuzzier and less specific than having a rational, logic-based answer to back-up my actions. And it means I might not always simply be nice or say “yes” to every opportunity that comes along. It might mean that I change my mind and cancel plans more often, short-term and long-term. I might take more time for solitude and quiet and turn my back on the world for a little while in order to listen more clearly to my internal guide. And it certainly means that I will be more present with my emotions and allow myself to feel sadness, grief, loneliness, heartbreak, longing, confusion, AND gratitude, bliss, grace, abounding love, compassion, sweetness and the vastness of human experiences. Without judgment. Well, I’ll try, anyway.

For your peace of mind, I’ll let you know that I did get the job which begins January 1st and comes with some really sweet students and co-workers, an apartment (starting Jan 1) in walking distance to my school, a few days in Japan to process my visa, and a salary enough to begin realizing my financial goals. Tomorrow I move to a warmer guesthouse in Gangnam where I’ll stay until I go to Japan. Everything works out in the end. And if it hasn’t worked out yet, then it must not be the end. (I can’t take credit for that, I heard it a few weeks ago.)

May you experience the next step on your journey with confidence, strength, acceptance, love, and connection. Call on your guides to support you and remember that you are never, ever alone. Even if you don’t feel the things you need to nourish and support you right now…they are simply waiting for you to ask for help.

 

Shattering Our Illusions

I once had a yoga teacher who said, “If you think you’re enlightened, go home.” The point of that statement is that our home is where most of our programming came from. Our samskaras, our patterns, our habits. As I immerse in the study of karma yoga with an eager group of yogis, we all unravel together the illusory bonds that keep us coming back to the causes of our suffering day after day. And where better to remember those than with the sights, smells, and memories that we grew up with. We look at how to shatter the illusions that keep us bound, safe, small and less than our full human and divine potential.

I will admit that part of why I love traveling is going to places where no one knows a thing about me and I can show up fully present to what that moment needs. It’s easy to put down baggage when it’s not attached to my immediate surroundings. And part of why I love coming back is because the hugs, kisses, and chats are so deeply familiar and filled with years of collected understanding.

Can we bridge those two lives? Can we create familial community abroad and non-attached presence at home? Maybe that is part of my yogic exploration on this journey. I’ve recently come to call this ‘shattering the illusions.’ What illusions? All of them that keep us trapped in unconscious living, repetitive patterns that we were ready to break long ago, and stuck in a loop of fear and reaction – towards life and the people we desperately need to help set us free.

I am offering a workshop on Sept. 27th in Seattle – mostly likely my last on American soil this year – on breaking the illusion of separation that we all face through authentic connection with ourselves (on the mat) and others (off the mat). Not just breaking, but shattering. Because it is only a mask, a facade, a mirror reflecting an obscured picture of the world. What is actually shining back at us is pure satchitananda – truth, consciousness and bliss. Come and find it.

What’s Next or What’s Now?

I have been beyond blessed this summer to spend time, both in Seattle and in the beauty of the northwest, with friends, family and loved ones. I danced and loved at two yoga festivals in BC, spent time with the goddesses in my family in Leavenworth, took a spontaneous trip to Whidbey with my beloved partner, and have more adventures planned for my last weeks in the Puget Sound. It’s time I answer the question of, “So, what’s next??”

I have two more weeks teaching musical theater in the Seattle area, along with wrapping up the Transformative Women’s Journey, leading Diving Deep: Yoga to Open the Heart workshop at Three Trees Yoga, and starting a 4-week discussion series called ‘A Practical Guide to Karma Yoga: The Path of Action,’ also at the wonderful home of Three Trees Yoga in Federal Way. If you’ve been curious about how to take your yoga practice into every moment of your life, through  your words, actions, and work in the world, this series is for you! Then, beginning August 25th, I will be attending a 4-week intensive CELTA course in English Teaching in Tacoma, so my homebase will move to Federal Way for that time. And then I “plan” to take off around the 1st of October with an English teaching contract somewhere in the world…yet to be manifested!

My last offering of the summer will be a special something that is still brewing. I hope to announce it soon. Stay tuned for a juicy and connecting time that will re-set you on your path through the rest of the year. I would also love to connect with you in my northwest tribe if we haven’t had the chance yet.

As I immerse in the flow of the Universe moment by moment, I find myself laughing and crying at Shakti’s expression of time, the paradoxically limiting and expansive force of our existence. Intimately knowing both groundedness and restlessness, I am surprised to awake each morning to one less day in Seattle and one day closer to the next adventure. Of course, that’s all not real because the Truth is actually what’s unfolding in the present, not the past or the future. I set the intention to show up to every hug, prayer, teachable moment, candlelight dinner, walk in the park, and frustrating thought, equally and attentively, and remind myself through all of those moments that we are not humans reaching for a Divine experience, we are Divine Spirits expressing ourselves through human form. And all you have to do is show up. Easy, right?

Liberated Living

Ten months ago I left Seattle with a very large backpack, an adventurous spirit, the intention to connect to myself and my partner, to find a greater sense of compassion for the world’s diverse peoples, and to let go. I let go, yet again, into liberated living. My practice over the last ten years has brought me to ever-increasing depths of surrender, starting with the first moment in a Bikram class where the Divine Consciousness very clearly told me to “let go, everything will be okay.” These words were repeated by a dear friend later that year at Kripalu as “Let go and Let God.” And this month as I finally overcame my lifelong fear of open water by scuba diving, I told myself over and over again to “Relax, breathe, and let go,” a mantra etched by hours and hours of japa repetition.

Often in practice we are looking for a state of consciousness beyond what we experience in everyday life. And while that has brought me more faith in my practice, the wider goal is bringing the experience of connectedness and Divinity into the waking world. In Tantra, the goal is not just to ascend and skip this worldly stuff. We aim to personally evolve, to be the best human being possible right here and now, to realize the divinity of body, mind, heart, and Spirit, and to live fully and freely. As said beautifully by Sia, “Welcome to the church of what’s happening Now.”

My last week in Koh Phangan, Thailand was marked with a Goddess Celebration hosted by Agama: three blissful days of self-transformation and worshiping Shakti, that aspect of the Divine which IS everything we see and experience. We were transformed into the Goddess – or better said, were able to see ourselves as the Goddesses we are and drop the masks which limit us from experiencing our wholeness every day. I will share many of these practices in the upcoming Transformative Women’s Journey.

With the transition back to American life this week, I take the time to learn and live the multitude of lessons life has thrown at me the last year around the world. I hold this year’s intention to appreciate, experience, and integrate life’s precious moments. The Yoga Sutra of Patanjali says, “All experience can either be for bondage or liberation.” May this summer solstice bring you the liberated living that you so deserve.

The Shadows of International Culture Shock

We’ve been here in the Philippines nearly 2 months and the last 2 weeks have gone by the fastest for me. Over the holidays, things really slowed to a crawl in terms of disaster support, both for our organization and the various gov and non-gov organizations on Bohol, the island in central Philippines where Circus and I find ourselves doing disaster relief work following the latest super typhoon. But January 2nd we all walked into the office and 2014 lit a fire under our collective spirits, in part because Rhonda, the full-time IDEA volunteer (International Deaf Education Association) who I was assisting, went home to be with her family, leaving me to become the housing liaison. Add to that the projects I’ve been trying to move along for the past 6 weeks and I’m a busy girl all of a sudden! It was a quick shift from doing very little to very busy days and long to do lists, often more than I can accomplish in a day. And then there’s the culture shock of adjusting to being any particular identity in Filipino culture.

My rajasic, workaholic nature is greatly pleased with this, and with feeling like I can really contribute to the houses and home repairs that IDEA is offering the long list of families in need. My more balanced, enjoy-life nature reminds me that I can only do so much and that life is not actually measured by how many things you do in a day. As many years as I’ve worked to re-route that samskāra (pattern), I’m still working on that. I still find myself becoming quickly overwhelmed, playing the martyr card (“Oh, I have so much to do!”) and even experiencing an inflated sense of ego and “my accomplishments.” Fortunately, I also get a regular dose, via personal or outside reminders, that I am not the doer of any of this. My morning meditations include a prayer of recognizing my emptiness, not being personally attached to outcome, and offering any “success” or “accomplishment” back to the source from which it came.

It’d be great to write a blog all about my yogic successes and how well I am doing at the yamas and niyamas (universal values). But I think there is far more value – for myself and my readers – in laying out the mistakes and continuous lessons learned. And remembering that, like the successes, I also have to let go of the fruits of my embarrassments and failures and not grasp or claim personal attachment to them.

Working in the IDEA office has become more enjoyable as I develop a personal relationship with many of the Filipino employees. For the first month, I felt very alienated as I really didn’t understand how to work with Filipino women. I started to read a book called Culture Shock Philippines from our housemate, Josh. Circus found a lot of poignant information on adjusting to the personal and professional idiosyncrasies of this culture and wrote this great blog about it a few weeks ago. One important thing we’ve learned is that direct communication between people is not tolerated here. I mean, really not tolerated. If someone needs to receive feedback, either positive or negative, it is NEVER delivered directly from the one giving the feedback. Instead, it’s spread like a gossip wheel, with person A telling person B, person B telling person C and person C eventually passing on the information to the right beneficiary.

I experienced this yesterday morning from the teachers at the deaf high school where we live. I was assisting Scotti, the American volunteer teacher, with a new Saturday program and was also asked to share a few tips on creating Project-Based and Out-of-the-Box lessons. I had a short meeting with the principle at 8am where I was told that I was not really being asked to teach the teachers. An hour and a half later, while I was leading an activity to the deaf high school students, I was told by someone who told someone who told someone else that I was being asked to teach the teachers and could I please come, now. I was in the middle of teaching the students, however, so the students had to wait. No hard feelings, no problem, just a misunderstanding. Later in the afternoon I was informed by that same 3rd party “go-between,” as they are called, that the principle had misunderstood me (she is partially deaf and had misinterpreted a gesture I made) as saying that I was not going to teach the teachers. So, in Filipino style, all was worked out, no one was offended and the information eventually made it to the right person.

Here’s the rub: I have been working for nearly a decade to embody direct communication. Every fiber of my being wants to be given direct feedback and to equally communicate with others. I’ve experienced that direct communication is really the best way to work through hurt feelings, vulnerabilities, share a work environment and personal relationship, and to not let things fester or turn into complaining, politics or drama. If you are a westerner, and especially a person for whom awareness and consciousness are values, you probably appreciate direct communication just as much as me. So I’ve found myself wondering how to fit in so as to be able to contribute the best I can to the local environment but also not play into office politics and gossip.

Here is where not speaking Bisayan, the local language, is actually a plus because I don’t have to hear the gossip that others talk about most of the day. And they are free to say whatever they want about me without me understanding or having the chance to be embarrassed or take it personally.  Even seemingly little things like whether or not to accept food you are offered and to make small talk before diving into a work issue can really upset people if you don’t follow social protocol. And if you do make a mistake, which I do every day, no one will tell you. The same is true, by the way, for locals and foreigners. They’ll just talk amongst themselves and deny there is every a problem.

Sigh.

Perhaps the hardest part is watching my own judgments about how detrimental that is to a society and not just being able to say, “that’s just the way it is.” I think there can be a happy medium of not playing into what I perceive as destructive behavior, even if it is the cultural norm, while trying to stay away from judgments or thinking my way is better. To exaggerate the point, even if everyone around me were burning people at the stake, I wouldn’t do it just to fit in. I hope. Certainly, walking the self-seeking path has taught me that fitting in is not really important, but respecting people’s choices and values and supporting wherever people are on their own path/culture/personal expectations/faith/etc is important. It’s harder to change the world if you’ve alienated yourself beyond redemption and no one wants to support you.

And now an uplifting story: A few weeks ago Circus mentioned wanting to play Monopoly. We live in a little cottage with Josh, an American volunteer, and Scotti his girlfriend who lives in the school but spends most of her daylight hours at the cottage. So the four of us hang out in the mornings and evenings with not much to distract us. And sometimes distractions are nice. Circus started looking around online and found a downloadable and printable Monopoly game. He printed the game board and Chance/Community Chest cards, downloaded the property values, and we borrowed dice from Dennis, IDEA’s founder and our “boss.” We all found something around the house for a game piece. Circus used a Davy Crockett keychain that the Mother Superior of Bellefonte Parish gave him. I used a small Buddha figurine. Josh used a Centavo coin, and Scotti used the cap to a perfume bottle. We hand-wrote the real estate cards as we bought them and kept a running bank statement instead of printing paper money. And it was down-home American fun! This morning we played for the 3rd time and it has given us about 12 hours of enjoyment. We appreciate it more as we had to make it ourselves. Nothing comes easy here, which perhaps makes it easier to laugh together.

I’m really trying to separate work from home, but that is difficult when everyone you live with you also work with.  Circus and I find ourselves talking about work every evening, even when we try to create a boundary. We share about our day, which inevitably leads to a discussion about the events and people, which leads to conversations about other work events and people, which leads to talk about building shelter, meetings, progress at work, the great need and how slowly it’s being met, colleagues, politics, etc, etc. Creating those firm boundaries is important for me, and that is on my new list of goals, especially as I decided to stay here for another month. The organizational team for IDEA’s disaster relief shelter building is quite small, 6 people including us, and I personally feel like my contribution is beneficial and in line with my personal mission and that of IDEA. I can’t begin to go into detail about the challenges, trials, learning curve, moments of connection, frustration, appreciation, laughter and tears that I’ve experienced on Bohol, but I’ll just say that I’m in for at least another few weeks. It’s been an emotional roller coaster and, as I was reflecting during my morning practice today, as long as I can return to my center regularly, I can handle what life throws my way. Even in those moments when I say to myself, as I’m sure you do, “I cannot handle this,” there’s that little voice that whispers, “Yes, you can.”

My Lifelong Fear of Being Still

As my partner, Circus, and I sail down the coast toward San Francisco, stopping at ports for a few nights here and there, the transition of being “gone” is a strange one. Usually when I move away or take off for a long trip there is at least a time difference – if not a great distance – between where I’ve been and where I’m going. This “going” is the operative word, as it helps quell my lifelong fear of…simply being still.

Maybe I’m used to the buffer of comfort in being in a totally different culture with constant acclimation and newness to distract me from feelings of home- (or other place) -sickness. But with more than a week of bumming through coastal towns and minimal distractions on the boat, I allow myself no choice to be present with what is. And that is a mix of contentment, sadness, dull excitement, some residual sea-sickness and achy-ness from boat travel, and the hope that I’m headed down the right path.

Often when there are periods of quiet and introspection, little sprouts of doubt and fear creep in, trying to disguise themselves as caution and rationality. Fortunately I’ve learned to recognize their stories – which are based on distrust of the ability to flow with the waters of life and accept what is given – as just stories, and not listen hard enough to change my course. I think I still have some trouble with just enjoying life when it’s not directly benefiting a big community or working towards some life-changing goal. For all that I teach about finding balance and the necessary beauty of play, I apparently still have some negative self-talk! And for this and many other reasons, I still practice every day as diligently as travel allows. I find in my meditation more space to accept the places I am growing and integrating, and the clarity to see the small strides that I make every day. Those little negative voices tend to recede when I don’t feed them and my practice lays the tracks that I prefer to be my habitual mind-speak. Namely, presentness and a mind less distracted by negative talk and self-doubt.

I found a book called Money, Sex, War, Karma by David R. Loy at a bookshop before I left, and its relevance in my life right now makes me smile. It’s about how the spiritual path doesn’t give us permission to sit quietly and “be spiritual” but instead holds us accountable to our actions and our everyday impact. Rising consciousness hopefully inspires us to understand more macro-cosmically (on the large scale) how every thought, word, and deed has an impact on our community of human beings and our Mother Earth. We get to make moment-by-moment choices about how to relate to people, where to put our money and our energy, and how all this affects our circles at home and abroad. I guess one of the reasons I like traveling is the tangibility with which I see those effects. And the moment-to-moment impermanence that is living out of a backpack.

Lastly, I’ve been musing over my life-long discomfort with living in the place I was born. I don’t know where this seed came from, but I’ve always had a gnawing little voice that said if I stay in Seattle my whole life – or even come back there to live long-term – I am a failure. I know that is a big, fat lie and probably even hurtful to my friends and family in Seattle. It’s certainly not a judgement that I impose on anyone else. In my current musings, I identify this as my silly little ego. These past few years in my hometown have convinced me that a life in Seattle is just as noble as a life on the road or anywhere else and hopefully has laid to rest that voice of insecurity and personal judgment.

Today we sit in Newport to provision for the next leg, perhaps to Coos Bay and then to California. The rains have stopped and the skies are gray with touches of blue as I watch the rolling ocean waves outside the jetty that our boat is safely tucked behind. It’s nice to have times of calm mixed with days of excitement. The days of integration are important for me to process, be still, and communicate with you. And the days of excitement are awesome!. Gratitude for all of it and for my patient, kind and fun-loving travel companions.