Why Have Relationships, Anyway?

why have relationships

When I coach couples and individuals about relationships, the question, “why have relationships?” comes up in two very different contexts.

Why Have Relationships At All?

The first context is one of despair. Relationships have been so difficult, so painful, so exhausting, that someone starts to ask themselves, “why do I do this at all?” and, “would I be better off being alone for the rest of my life?” They may begin to think that loneliness is just the price they have to pay for peace of mind.

The second context is one of maturity. After working through childhood wounds, neediness, and attachment, someone contemplates the reality that they can provide for themselves anything they might seek from outside. As the possibility of this state begins to dawn, people are often gripped with a concern that being self-sufficient might remove any motivation they have for being in relationships at all.

Discouragement: When Relationships Are A Struggle

We could spend an entire article talking about why relationships can be such a struggle, but for now, just bear in mind that what makes relationships difficult is the interaction of our own childhood wounds with another person’s childhood wounds.

The long-term solution is, of course, to do the internal work to heal our childhood wounds through therapy, meditation, self-parenting, rebirthing, and other personal development practices.

In the short term, however, there is a practical way to end the apparently eternal struggle; simply stop engaging with people whose childhood wounds trigger yours. If they are relatives or work associates, take some polite distance. If they are friends or lovers, politely take a break from seeing them.

Now, if you have been deep in your habitual patterns, this may mean distancing yourself from almost every person you know. This is not a bad thing. You won’t be alone for long – the world is full of people who don’t trigger your childhood wounds. As soon as you have some time, space, and emotional energy for interaction, they will be right in front of you, ready to have low-drama relationships with you.

Just be careful not to select a whole new crop of drama-triggering friends and lovers. If all your relationships have always been difficult, then you are probably really good at gravitating to people whose childhood wounds trigger yours. You will need to avoid the people you consider attractive, interesting, and exciting, and get to know some of those boring people you have always ignored.

Maturity: When You No Longer Need Anything From Relationships

The idea that we wouldn’t bother with relationships if we didn’t need anything from anyone doesn’t usually arise after someone has completed their healing journey and attained true independence. It is more likely to arise during the healing journey, as an objection to the idea that we can (or should) be meeting our own needs internally, rather than looking to other people to meet our needs.

In reality, once we move out of neediness and dependence on others, we can begin to have authentic relationships for the first time in our lives. A whole new world opens up, with unimaginable pleasures, unprecedented fulfilment, and capabilities that literally seem like superpowers.

The long climb out of the depths of chaos, pain, and confusion is just the beginning. Once we stop grasping at others to save us, to support us, to fill a hole within us, once we are whole and complete within ourselves, then (and only then) can we truly meet another person, soul to soul.

When two complete beings meet in trust and harmony, we unleash the power of synergy – the world in which the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Instead of finding our “other half” and becoming whole, we bring two wholes together. Like two pieces of nuclear fuel combining to reach critical mass, we fuse together and access the cosmic alchemy by which we become, for a while, something more than merely human.

Written By Jnani Jenny Hale

What is an Identity?

aware of identities

In my work, both personal and professional, I spend a lot of energy becoming aware of identities, both my own and supporting those I work with in uncovering theirs.

But what is an identity?

Here’s a simple example. We are all born FREE. Completely, infinitely free. But soon after we’re born, we start responding to and being conditioned by the world around us. In my case, I developed an early age the identity of being self-sufficient. This came from a feeling that others’ needs were more important than mine and so it began to feel like a waste of energy to share my needs or ask for them to be met. Regardless of what the actualities of my childhood are, this is an identity I created: I will do it my damn self.

Where we can find empowerment in discovering this identity (also called a story) is in letting go of what actually happened to create this story and seeing that at its core, it’s completely hollow. Transparent. Nothing. When I see that, feel that, breathe that, I get to choose to be free again.

This morning, the aforementioned identity came up and smacked me in the face. It’s one that I’ve seen in my intimate relationships repeatedly this year, that others’ needs are more important than mine, so I will just take care of my damn self. It’s an identity that causes me to not state my needs or desires for fear or disappointment. It’s an identity that puts me in a holding pattern of fear and traps me into not expressing what’s alive under the surface of, “No, it’s fine.” And it makes it difficult to trust.

So, I have a choice: I can hide behind this identity, fault others for playing into my pattern and stay locked away in hiding. Or, I can see that whenever I feel that way, it’s most likely just the world bumping up into my identity and rubbing my bruise until it hurts. I can let it go. Again and again, every time it rears its head. Most powerful of all: I can love the shit out of that identity. I can hold it, embrace it, see it, accept it, love it, sing to it, cry with it, ask others to love it, and let it be absorbed and dissolved as part of me.

The more I meditate, ask for self-reflection with people on the Path, and pause to listen deeply to the ripples around me, the more the strings of my identities start to unravel. At times, this feels very liberating. At times, it feels dismantling and shattering. Today, it feels like a mix of both, the complexity of being both human and divine. Dissolving into the ocean of, well, myself.

Jealousy in Polyamory

woman standing in a field of bubbles

If you practice nonmonogamy, you might have already been through the new and shiny phenomenon, where you or a partner meets someone new and it awakens the fun, unpredictable New Relationship Energy (NRE).

This could go a number of ways. Two of the most common are:

  1. It kicks up a new appreciation and desire in your existing relationship
  2. You find yourself comparing your new love to your current relationship

Obviously, option one is preferred. Without awareness, option two can easily happen…but it doesn’t have to. Let’s see how to deal with jealousy in a polyamorous relationship and examine the habits that can lead to a comparison of new love with existing and how to create patterns that help NRE fuel your existing love, not necessarily create a desire to replace.

The Mind’s Task of Comparison

Comparison is one of the fastest paths to disaster in poly relationships.

Even if we think we don’t compare partners or past relationships, our mind and ego are constantly on the lookout for better or worse. That’s our mind’s job, to put things in order (*note: hierarchy) so it can have linear thoughts. While we don’t need to despise our mind for its instinctual task, we can recognize that it creates a lot of suffering.

In fact, most suffering comes from this desire of the mind to separate, identify and compare.

When this sets one relationship against another, we get just that: a fight. Who’s the better lover? Better partner? Better listener? This is what the mind will ask you and desperately try to get you to answer.

Continue reading the full article at omooni.com.

Home is Where Your Family Is

buddha statue

My spiritual journey has been the most practical time of my life. And by practical, I mean that practically speaking this path of connecting to Spirit has made countless changes in my everyday life and the way I relate to myself, my friends, students, fellow teachers, and to my family. These days I’ll begrudgingly admit that the last one is the hardest. Even with my progressive, quinoa and kale-eating, pilates-teaching, past-life talking family, it’s still hard.

In 2016, for the first time in my life, I’m wholeheartedly excited to be living in my hometown, seeing my family weekly and building community in the Northwest.

I began “growing apart” from my family in 2005 when I moved to Boston from my home of Seattle. I just needed something different, something to get me out of the rut of life I found myself in two years after graduating college.

That year, I dove into Yoga with reckless abandon and it began making some huge changes internally and externally. My favorite three studios were a Bikram hot yoga studio, a Baptiste power flow studio, and a great little place that held weekly restorative yoga. A bartender friend and I started attending Sunday morning restorative classes which gave us some space from the fast-paced life of Boston restaurants to feel our bodies and just shut the hell up for an hour and a half.

One Sunday morning, sun streaming in through the front windows amidst a particularly excruciating hip opener, the instructor offered the famous quote, “If you think you’re enlightened, go home.” I laughed along with everyone else and thought it was cute and witty. I didn’t have any idea how much this statement would affect me over the next 10 years.

Back then when I returned home to visit family and friends in Seattle, it was full of reunion, doing our favorite things, catching up and relating on mutually agreeable terms. My college friends were moving in some different directions, but we still had similar struggles in how to find our places in the world with idealism, creativity and some reality checks about paying rent and car insurance.

At the end of my year in Boston, I moved to Kripalu, a Yoga retreat center in western Massachusetts, and had two intense months of practice, introspection and growth. When I returned to Seattle in November 2006, it was the first time I felt…well, different. Like maybe my family didn’t understand me quite as well as they had before. Like maybe my priorities had really changed from those around me. And what do you know…judgment! So. Much. Judgment.

I had these recurring thoughts that my family wasn’t good enough, that their ways were so mundane, that they should (ugh!) be doing what I was doing. I judged their jobs, their habits, their food choices and mostly that they choose to live a life that was based in routine and patterns.

Here’s the first rub from the aforementioned enlightenment statement about going home: my family triggered a lot of the things I realized I didn’t want to be anymore. When I get triggered, one of two things happen. Either I freeze and just want to crawl into a hole and hide, or I get upset and reactive and want to yell and scream at whoever offended me. When this happens, there’s not much chance of me responding with compassion, kindness and patience and things tend to turn into a conflict or an argument and elevate more.

I didn’t know before I had left for those first few years away that my family that everyone had unspoken agreements about how I was supposed to act within the family dynamic – as a sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, niece, granddaughter. They assumed I was the same as the last time we saw each other. As did my fiancé who was living in Seattle. And his family. And my college friends and high school friends.

During those beginning years on my spiritual journey, I started resenting my family for simply being who they were and who they had always been. And, man, that’s not fair to them.

I was frustrated by the things I was and was not supposed to talk about and ask questions about, like why we did the things we did and what was the motivation behind my family’s lifestyle, something maybe they didn’t think too much about. I wanted to have all those deep, mysterious conversations about authenticity, spiritual practice, ways to transform my inner and outer landscape and the like.

I made the mistake that nearly everyone makes when “coming back” – a term I grew to resent more and more over the years of coming and going – believing that what I was talking about was more important than what my family was talking about. That how they lived their lives wasn’t good enough. I will admit I said some very hurtful things. And I hated being in my hometown.

I especially hated being in the suburbs. A lot. I had grown to love city life and country life, but the suburbs are a confusing jungle somewhere in the middle, in my very humble opinion, and I get lost with the miles of strip malls, unpredictable traffic, airplane noise, and very sad expressions on people’s faces. Suburbs drained me. And my family’s routines drained me, too.

Early in 2007 I took my first adult trip into the wider world: 3 months of WWOOFing (Willing Workers on Organic Farms) in New Zealand. I was joined by a friend from Kripalu, someone who was in a similar place of shedding the old and attempting to live a conscious life. It’s great to have compatriots and commiserators on the path. We spent a lot of time unpacking our emotions, recognizing our patterns and saying how we wanted to be free of all of that. And we were living it thousands of miles from America, from our families, the places we get stuck, and in the midst of living with Kiwis – the most grounded, connected and open people I had met as a whole.

And then I came back to Seattle again in 2007 – to my awaiting fiancé and family, which was really hard. So hard, in fact, that the relationship with my fiancé ended abruptly and I spiraled into my quarter life crisis and picking myself apart for not being on more solid ground by the time I was 27.

After the very challenging breakup, I grew to resent being in Seattle even more. The worst part for me was that I was living in the suburbs on the eastside of Seattle. It was actually a very sweet location, just above the Redmond farmlands and Woodinville wineries, but it was at least an hour from my family, 30-90 minutes commute to my music teaching jobs, and the other random work I took that year to cover the rent, like bartending at a golf course.

I wanted to leave again so badly that I was taking it out on everyone. I was even more bitter towards my very, very patient family. And then finally my mom gave me an out. Out of the blue one day she sent me a job ad for teaching English in Korea, which led very quickly to my first overseas teaching gig.

So did I get all that resentment and frustration out of my system? Alas, no. Which brings up my first lesson about digging up things with your family.

Lesson 1: Go wherever you want for as long as you want. Your lessons will be waiting for you when you get back.

The universe is patient. Very patient. Your karma is there to work out with your family whether you like it or not. And if you’re like me, you probably don’t. I ran away from my lessons again and again, but they were always waiting like an eager puppy ready to pounce and lick my face when I came home.

After three joyful, independent and sometimes lonely years among expats, travelers and Yogis, I once again came back home. My return to the Seattle suburbs in 2011 began with some peace and settling in, as I lived at my mom’s house on a lake, had long morning practices and spent regular time with my niece and new nephew. I was happy to be home and inspired to become a full-time yoga and music teacher, hoping it would all come pretty easily.

And it did. Until it didn’t.

I craved the company of people who inspired me like my expat friends had, to be around people who threw caution to the wind and jumped on a plane to the Philippines at a moment’s notice.

You can grow and change as much as you want while you’re away. When you come back, most likely your family will be pretty much the same as you left. They’ll be enjoying similar routines and patterns while you might be a completely different person with different preferences and habits.

Whatever is waiting in the shadows will come up at some point when you go back home. For me, it’s the way my family talks to me and pretends like we haven’t hurt each other over the years. We like to live in the realm of “everything’s okay.” That feels to me like being in denial about our years of stuff that we could be working out and forgiving each other for. We could be developing new patterns around our triggers – pretending they’re not there does not make them go away. If that were the case, we would be the perfect family model.

This continues to be a struggle today. Last week, my mom said to me, “Aren’t you over that yet?” about some childhood pain. Sure, it was 20 years ago but no, I’m not over it yet. So as I work on forgiving myself and my family, I invite them into the work, too. I can choose to say things to my mom like, “Actually, I still have some hurt feelings around that. And I don’t blame you. I’d really appreciate it if we could talk about that.” Another example is a conversation my sister and I had recently about our co-dependent relationship patterns. I find that by acknowledging our familial patterns with acceptance instead of denying them and playing the victim/martyr empowers me to make better choices in the present. And I can see how it helps my sister also uncover some hidden motivations and maybe feel free to make new choices, too.

I’m not sure that everyone feels that way, yet. We’re still learning, I guess.

 

Lesson 2: You’ll probably need to relearn how to communicate with family.

If you need something different, you have to ask! This is very, very hard for most of us. And even if you do develop the language to ask, your family members may not be able to give you what you need. Or they may have some resentment that you’re not appreciating them the way they are.

Let’s face it: most of us haven’t spent a lot of time negotiating and communicating about how we talk to each other. Maybe you’ve gotten good at that with your chosen family or close friends, but there is a lot more freedom to do that with people you don’t have 20+ years of history with. And a childhood. And guilt, shame and all the other things we build up conditioning around. Not to mention that our parents are doing the best with what they were given. Do you think they have any more tools of healthy communication than you do? Not likely, unless your dad happens to be Rodney Yee or Jack Kornfield.

Most of us live in our family patterns our entire lives without changing them. We hold the same grudges, speak to each other with the same tone of voice – like passive-aggressive, martyr, straight aggressive, even abusive and toxic patterns, etc. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to change these patterns and ask for something different. But someone needs to. None of us were born with perfect families. We all have karma and stuff to sort out in this lifetime – with our family members. That doesn’t mean we have to come back to abusive situations or make amends with everyone. Maybe our lesson is to make an empowered choice for ourselves not to associate with certain people. Maybe it’s to develop more compassion. Maybe it’s to forgive. Even Ramakrishna, the 19th century enlightened master, was said to scream at his family for their material ways and lower vibrations. I don’t know about you, but that makes me feel better about my family dynamic.

I recently had a talk with my mom about when I was going through PTSD a few years ago and how challenging that was for my family. I took all of my frustration and irritation out on my family and reacted to literally everything they said and did. Nothing was good enough or accepting enough. My mom and I had a great conversation about how I could have asked for help and that they really just wanted the best for me. That gives me a lot of courage to ask for help next time and to let them support me, no matter how messy or uncomfortable it is.

Saying to your parents, “Don’t talk to me like a child,” isn’t going to create new habits. It will probably make your parents feel hurt and get defensive. And please don’t make the mistake of trying to create new patterns while you are feeling triggered or reactive. That will only make things worse. Make some intentional time to talk to each other when everyone has ample time and has eaten (hanger will ruin any good conversation). Bring up a particular pattern, like how they are critical of your job or your partner or some way you feel pressured. Or maybe it’s asking them to express their love or respect.

The same strategies can work for developing communication with your kids! Set up a situation where everyone is comfortable and relaxed, start with some positive conversation or appreciation, then express something that you’d like to change or bring to everyone’s attention. Maybe you’d like to spend more time together, for them to stop asking for money, or to hear that they appreciate you. Ask them for exactly what you’d like and express that you’re doing the best you know how and are willing to make changes that will help them, too.

When we get into these conversations in my family, there are a lot of “Huh! I didn’t realize that hurt you,” or “Well, I’ve never thought about that before.” Give them the benefit of the doubt that if they knew they were hurting you, they’d change. And if you want things to change, take up the difficult responsibility to compassionately and empathetically ask for those changes.

Lesson 3: It takes a lot to accept your family just the way they are.

My students are often asking me about “outgrowing” their friends or finding new community that they can better relate with at this stage of their spiritual growth. If you look back over the last 10, 20, 30 years, you’ll probably notice that your closest friends have shifted more than once. They revolved around your job, your hobbies, where you were living, your spiritual choices, etc.

We get to choose our friends and also choose new friends or allow new community to come into our lives as we change. I find that the people I choose to spend time with these days are people who are on a very similar trajectory as me. That has changed a lot in the past 10 years. I still stay connected with a lot of my communities from the past, but I don’t feel I need to cling to friends I had during other versions of me as we’re growing apart.

That is not the same for your family. We only get one birth/childhood family, plus the new members that are picked up along the way like brother-in-laws and stepmoms. We only get what we’re dealt. So as we change and grow into new versions of ourselves, recognize that they might feel left out. They spent your lifetime loving you the way you were…and now you’re different! In 2000, my mom and brother moved to Australia for a year. When they returned, they were both remarkably different. They had spent the year shedding their skin, taking new adventures and living outside their comfort zone. It was a process of re-balancing for everyone when they returned.

Part of why I love traveling is going to places where no one knows a thing about me and I can show up fully present to what that moment needs. It’s easy to put down baggage when it’s not attached to my immediate surroundings. And part of why I love coming back is because the hugs, kisses, and chats are so deeply familiar and filled with years of collected understanding.

I can clearly see some of the lessons I need to learn from my family – notably patience, forgiveness, communication, and empathy – and why “coming back” is so necessary for me. Going away is very important too. Now I have a fresh perspective on the roles I play and the assumptions I have about where I do and don’t fit in. I’ve experienced what family looks and feels like to different cultures and can recognize that, although my family is far from perfect, they are really trying their best and are willing to support me if I just give them a little guidance and recognition.

 

Lesson 4: You will get triggered by your family. And you can create new patterns.

Home is where most of our programming comes from. We grew up with a whole bunch of  samskaras, patterns or habits that create neural pathways and behavior patterns that we live from our whole lives…or until we learn to rewire them. We can get to the bottom of these motivating thoughts and subconscious programming with a lot of intentional work, like counseling, yoga, mindfulness, ecstatic dance, creative writing, coaching, etc. Eventually we can unravel the causes of our suffering and stop living the same patterns and triggers day after day, year after year, triggers which are often tied to the sights, smells, and memories that we grew up with.

It’s possible to be proactive about the habits that exist in your family dynamic – even if they aren’t your fault or were formed during your childhood – and intentionally create new habits that will keep you present and kind. For example, I really don’t like my sister comparing my lifestyle with hers and complaining about how I spend my time. I could retort, “Well, you’re the one who chose to have kids,” (which I totally have said in the past), or I could say, “I hear you. It’s really tough to raise three kids mindfully. How can I support you?”

Practice with people outside your family who can deal with your upsets and triggers. Role play the hard conversations with people who can give you feedback and hold you through challenging memories. Play the worst-case scenario game and play around with how you would respond to your family member getting really upset by what you are offering. Most likely what actually happens will be easier than that scenario.

Conflict is a natural part of relating. No matter what your family dynamic is, there is conflict on some level. For real. Every relationship has it. If you’re like me, you tried to live in denial of this for a long time. Maybe the conflict in your family lives at the surface and feels constantly volatile. Or maybe it’s buried deep and never mentioned. Be aware that all families have their challenges, their miscommunications, their minefields. Take the lessons you learn on your path into your family dynamic without expecting others to change. But watch out for that judgment and expectation that your siblings should be changing in the same ways you are. That will only create more stress and disappointment.

The patterns that exist in your family have taken decades to create. Even more than that, they are probably ingrained from your parents’ parents and maybe their parents, too. Kindly introduce new ways to communicate and appreciate each other, but don’t expect everyone to jump on the bandwagon. Just because it feels good to you doesn’t mean it feels good to others right away.

I’ve recently started digging up some core wounding around my parents and siblings that I’d love to share with them. I also realize that if I open that can and pour out the contents, it will surely cause some pain. So we talk about things slowly, little by little. My mom gives me time to explain the things I want her to know and I give her time to deal with it in her own way. We’re still working on it, but there feels like a lot of space to talk about things we used to keep tight under the rug. Sure it’s uncomfortable, but every time we uncover a little more it feels like years of tension being lifted.

So be kind to yourself. And be kind to your family. Set the habits that will keep you present and kind, that will keep your love tank full. Remember, you’re in for the long haul with your family. Things take a loooooooong time to change. Years. As another teacher of mine says, “slowly, slowly.”

Queer Tantra: A LGBT Approach to “Shiva Meets Shakti”

two men about to kiss

Polarity and sacred union are fundamental principles in Tantra. From the consciousness of oneness, or God, there comes the twoness, or duality. The two are lovingly named Shiva, the principle of pure consciousness and direction, and Shakti, the principle of energy, power and manifestation.

David Deida describes this duality as the banks of a river -“Shiva”, and the water flowing within -“Shakti”. The banks hold the flow, but the flow also carves the banks.

In spiritual sexuality and sexual Tantra, we reach unity when Shiva and Shakti become one, uniting through intentional practices, rituals and lovemaking. This takes our human consciousness from duality, how we normally experience reality as you and me, black and white, hot and cold, to nonduality, the consciousness of oneness.

I first learned all this six years ago in a Tantra fundamentals workshop taught to a group of heterosexual attendees by a couple of heterosexual instructors. As a bi-sexual woman, I got the message that I was included in the sexual practices of Tantra, when I was with men. Maybe I could give other women yoni massages or support female journeys and transformation, but I couldn’t possibly reach these ultimate levels when I fucked my girlfriend. Could I?

Read the whole article on Omooni.com.

Polyamory is Figureoutable

two women and a man hugging

I’m a newbie to the poly world. I’ve only been living in conscious non-monogamy for the last six years, more or less consciously depending on the year and day. The surprising part is that I couldn’t tell you why it started. I heard a lecture on polyamory, had big triggers and mental blocks, thought I would never consider it, and then a month later I wasn’t interested in monogamy anymore.

Not only has my approach to dating and partnership been flipped on its head since then, but my whole life has changed paradigms. It continues to do so regularly. I have been influenced by all of the partners, lovers and configurations of polycules (see below if you’re unfamiliar with this term) I’ve been in over the last six years. And through much trial and error, yes I have made a lot of mistakes, and the support of many lovers and partners, I’ve come up with my ideal way I want polyamory to look in my life.

Just to clarify, this article is not about how to overcome jealousy, find compersion or deal with the stuff that comes up in poly relationships. And it is not to help you decide if you want to be in a non-monogamous relationship, although it might help people considering non-traditional relationship structures.

The intention of this article is simply to offer a few ideas of how to uncover the non-monogamous relationship structure you want, clarify the conscious non-monogamy and open yourself to playing within these structures as they change with each new arrangement of people. And, finally, I hope it helps you to find your own boundaries, desires and the non-negotiable things in your intimate relationships.

Read the whole article on Omooni.com.

Are you loving fearlessly?

My New Year’s intention for 2016 was two-fold: 1) Live fully empowered in each moment, and 2) Love fearlessly.

Well, when that’s what you’re putting out, take a guess what you’ll be getting back. Yeah, be careful what you wish for.

This year started with a bang of falling in love. After a year and a half of taking self-time, being intentionally single, diving into my own practices and a long period of solo integration, I went to the dangerously transformative island of Koh Phangan, Thailand and was struck by an incredible Australian woman who challenged me to be a more truthful version of myself. Not that I had been lying exactly. But I had been hiding behind a lot of mechanisms and patterns that kept me safe. I exactly hadn’t been loving fearlessly.

Like not being truthful about my sexuality.

Here I am, an empowered sexuality and relationship coach and facilitator. And when I did some investigation, I found that I still was carrying about 35 years of shame about being bi-sexual…and polyamorous. I was very good at hiding under the framework that if someone wanted to know something about me, they’d ask! But I don’t often hear people walking around asking, “What’s YOUR sexual orientation? Are you in open relationships?” Most people in America live under the heteronormative assumption. And I’ve surely been guilty of that as well.  

So I guess you handscould call this my coming out. It wasn’t exactly my intention to fall on the heels of Seattle Pride and the tragedy in Orlando. But I do strongly believe that these kinds of tragedies can effect change, personal empowerment and political shifts worldwide. Like perhaps supporting marriage equality in Australia (did you know gay marriage is explicitly illegal nationwide??? What???) and encouraging people to step into the most authentic version of themselves.

So what is loving fearlessly, for me? First, it’s embracing all the parts of me and loving them all equally and fully. Not just the successful, socially acceptable ones. But the ones that have brought me decades of shame and embarrassment like my near-lifelong fear of open water (cured!) or the fact that I never learned to ride a bike (still haven’t). Those things are pretty hard to share publicly.

The next step is to know that your relationships will cause you pain at some point. They just will. And that the pain is totally worth it. Rumi says, “You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” Tiptoeing into love will never break you open to actually knowing love. Staying safe will never crack your threshold to truly knowing yourself and connecting deeply with another soul.

That doesn’t mean it needs to hurt or that we should stay in loveless relationships. But sometimes the lovelessness is actually caused by our fear of going deep, being transparent and trusting to our partner enough to be vulnerable. If you’ve never read or seen Brené Brown, start with her TED talk. And then read her books. All of them. I honestly had no idea the places in me that were closed until I started ripping off the Band-Aids and looking beneath the surface, embracing all that muck as the actual fabric of my being and what’s got me here thus far. And then comes the ability to transform and let the lotus flowers sprout.

I can’t tell you how often people say to me that they want deep connection but they’re afraid to get hurt. I will tell you that it hurts. Having the aforementioned amazing Australian woman here for two weeks and then having to drop her at the airport a week ago hurt. It still hurts. It will continue to hurt until we see each other again. And…my heart is breaking open to new capacity which is flowing over to my clients, my family, the woman who just served me a cup of tea, my roommates who had to endure our lovesick ways, etc.

How is that possible? How can we turn the pain of separation and love wounds into more love? By recognizing that what you’re experiencing is actually love. It is unconditional love that you choose to stay in no matter how much it hurts. It is going in and in, to quote Danna Faulds. The feeling of separation which is the cause of our pain is our original wound of being separate from everything – from our connection to the Divine. And the bliss of reconnection, experiencing ourselves as the mystical unknown that we are is worth a million heart breakings.

Every time we crack the shell we’ve built over our hearts and minds, we allow ourselves to be more loving and more loved. Not Disney, romantic comedy love. But actual love which flows freely regardless of who or what is in front of you. It takes remarkable courage to let your heart break again and again so that you may let light in the cracks. You will feel more than you’ve ever felt. And I think this is what all religions and spiritual paths are teaching us: to feel it all, to embrace it all, to experience it all, and to turn it all into love.


How to know if you’re loving fearlesslyReveal Your Essence

Are you loving fearlessly? Are you investigating all the edges, rough patches, sticky places and dark hiding spots where you don’t want to look? This means embracing shadow. And shame. And the places where we’re afraid to be messy in favor of “saving face.”

Here are 4 things to consider when investigating how fearlessly you’re willing to love. Be kind to yourself as you answer them. If this is a process you’re just starting or are already immersed in, be sure to create some support systems for yourself. Talk to your loved one about this journey and let them know you might need some extra cuddles, Kleenex, and more air time than usual. And be prepared to need that and ask for it. Also if you know people going through this process, let them know they can be real with you without judgment or the need to fix things. They’ll appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.

1) What are you lying about?

To yourself? To your partner? To your community?

What parts of yourself do you just omit from conversations? Especially things like mistakes and embarrassments. We don’t need to constantly talk about our failures, but we also don’t need to be afraid to share them and be a little vulnerable. It will probably also inspire someone else to be more open to the things they’re not so proud of. Being vulnerable is numero uno importante when it comes to loving fearlessly.

Whatever you’re the most afraid to share, especially those skeletons that are dusty and dank from rotting in your closet for decades, give them some air time with people you trust. You will feel years lighter and more authentically yourself. And better yet, stopping the lies – which we all tell to maintain our precious image in our different social circles – makes less mental clutter because we have less to remember and less stories to keep straight. More space to show up and just be you.

Another revelation I had of late was that I loved being involved with my friends’ integrated communities, but I was terrified to do that myself. I tried to keep people separate and compartmentalize all the parts of my life. Opening all of these boxes and letting them mix has felt really messy and scary. And relieving. And surprisingly inspiring. It gives me room for my life to cross-pollinate a little bit, for my friends and lovers to know about each other, and to transfer the lessons I learn from one life situation into another.

2) Are you having the hard talks?

Another place to look is if you’re talking about that stuff that makes you cringe. With a new lover recently I had the STI/safe sex conversation which used to make me want to run and hide in a corner. After 5 years of being poly, I’ve boiled mine down to a few sentences of pertinent information and relevant questions that get it all out in the open and allow us to enter into trusting space, compassionate communication, and honesty. I spent my younger years being pretty sexually open and sex-positive. But I wasn’t taught that these are things you talk about or how to talk about them which led me to believe I was doing something wrong. And when I do something wrong, my inner demons love to persecute me. Mercilessly.

Someone recently said to me, “I don’t usually talk about that in my relationships.” Whatever that is for you, start talking about it! Where you feel dark and squeamish, there are most definitely demons haunting you and holding you hostage. My family didn’t used to talk about our core wounding, how we’ve hurt each other and what we’ve learned from each other. But we’re starting. And I feel a lot less elephants in the room and eggshells I have to carefully step around and avoid. Which frees up so much energy to actually be myself.

3) Are you making mistakes?

Love is messy.

Period.

If you’re not making mistakes and learning from them, you’re probably just repeating the same patterns and assumptions that you learned from your parents, teachers, movies or your society. Here’s a great conversation starter with partners and lovers: what’s a mistake you’ve made recently? What have you learned? How can they help hold you accountable for seeing that pattern when it comes up again?

To undo an ingrained pattern takes WAY more work than creating the pattern in the first place. Recognize that it’s going to come up again and the more people you have who can compassionately remind you that “you’re doing it again,” the more likely you are to grow out of habits that no longer serve you.

4) Do you say “I love you”?

When was the last time you stopped an important person in your life to tell them you love them? A family member? A chosen family member? A cousin? A co-worker or co-leader? Someone in your community? Do you tell people you love them? Or show them in different ways? When and how?

I used to be in the “we haven’t said I love you yet” camp in my intimate relationships. Where one person quietly says “I love you” after months of awkward dating and working up to those all-important, make-or-break, could-leave-you-feeling-horribly-uncomfortable words. But I also didn’t used to know how to love fearlessly. In a way that loving someone isn’t wrong and doesn’t need to be reciprocated.

It’s actually okay to say I love you and not have the other person say it back. Because love isn’t dependent on someone else’s feelings. It’s an unconditional gift that you offer from the heart because you want them to know they are loved, supported and cared for. Which doesn’t make them responsible for your love or feeling a certain way about you. When you offer love in this way, there is no disappointment or rejection. Just love.

One little trick to this is also discerning if your loved ones are actually hearing you when express love. They might not speak the same language as you when it comes to giving and receiving love. In my family we often say “I love you,” but I spent a chunk of my childhood feeling unloved because of the walls I had built to receiving. Check in with your families, friends and intimate relationships and find out how others in your life feel most loved. They might need you to translate your love expressions into the language of physical touch, kind words or acts of service. And you might need to ask them to do the same.

Love rests on no foundation.

It is an endless ocean,

with no beginning or end.

Imagine,

a suspended ocean,

riding on a cushion of ancient secrets.

All souls have drowned in it,

and now dwell there.

One drop of that ocean is hope,

And the rest is fear.

~Rumi

 

Ready to Evolve

I have been anticipating this post for a very long time. I am filled with joy to tell you about some of the most exciting decisions of my life. They haven’t been easy and some have taken every ounce of courage to jump over the fears of my past conditioning. A friend who I briefly knew in Seoul recently messaged me asking me how I can just go all over the world and do what I want to do without fear. My immediate response was, “Of course I’m afraid!” But I am learning the difference between fears that keep you alive and fears that keep you from living. I am determined to manifest my dreams and I’m so happy that you are a part of them.

And with that, here they are!

Welcome to my new website: Bewholebehappy.com

This has been months in the making and years in the thinking. I actually almost bought this domain name 5 years ago in a café in India after I left Korea the last time. But I knew at that time I was not ready for whatever developing a website means. Now I know it means quite a bit of organization and vision, some money, and a lot of support. A few things are still being tweaked, but it is ready to share with the world.

Why Be Whole Be Happy?

Because as Swami Vivekananda says, “Happiness is our birthright. Happiness is the treasure of our soul.” Happiness exists inside us. It is there waiting for us. Through the process to authentic living, we can uncover our whole self, and discover and experience happiness every day.

I would love for you to visit my website and sign up for my new mailing list. I’ll be sending out periodic emails as I have been the past few years, with more frequency but the same integrity and honesty that you’ve come to expect from me.

The first thing you’ll notice on the site is my name, Grace. I’ve decided to change my teaching name to Grace. My international communities have known me as Grace for a number of years, as have some communities around the US. I made this decision for a number of reasons. First, it reminds me every time I hear it of the Divine influence in my life and the inseparability of Divine Will from my own will. In that way, it is something of a “spiritual name” as it brings me closer to Spirit when I hear and say it. And hopefully it does for you, too. It was a surprise to both me and my mom when I found out a few years ago that Karissa actually means Grace in Greek. If you’ve known me as Karissa, you don’t have to start calling me Grace. But that’s how I’ll be introducing myself in the teaching world from now on.

Please also note my new email address: [email protected].

One more joyous announcement: I’m teaming up with another Tantric Yoga teacher from Portland, Amitayus, to begin offering courses in both Seattle and Portland this spring and summer. We have a lot scheduled for this year already. You can see the first few offerings in Upcoming Courses on my website. You’ll also see our name –Spanda Tantra Yoga – on our offerings. Come to an event to see what it’s all about! We are so very excited to continue our teachings together and create a larger community of like-minded, truth-seeking, consciously awakening souls in the northwest. I hope you will join us!

I’m also delighted to return to Three Trees Yoga to offer some of my favorite series beginning on April 20th. First, a satsang (community of truth) based on The Crest Jewel of Discrimination, a 1000 year old text by Adi Shankacarya. Click here for more information on this Yoga off the Mat series. Second, Journey with me into the Sacred Feminine. Tantra is all about connecting to Shakti – the life force, power, creation and manifestation that surrounds us in every form. This series is limited to 12 women. We start on April 20 in Federal Way and June 2 in Seattle. Don’t miss it!

Before I return to Seattle in early April, I am taking a month on the island of Koh Phangan in Thailand to decompress and study. I’m doing a few intensive courses at Agama Yoga to renew my personal inspiration from gifted teachers. And taking a lot of time to reflect on this past year and a half in Asia. I feel that the tides are shifting for me. I’m starting to uncover some of the shadows of my past and making room for what really serves me and my global community. This year is latent with new expressions of joyful teaching, inspiring teachers and blessed choices. I pray that my vision will lead me and all those who join on the path to more awakened decisions, free from past karma and full of creative and limitless energy!

Love and Gratitude,
Karissa – Grace

Coming Home – Inside & Out

intuition

Here we are, embarking on a new journey around the sun. Another winter solstice has passed and we are slowly returning to the light. So, now what? I hear that question a lot and every time I greet it with a new response.

Now we pause for gratitude.

Now we breathe in the life around us.

Now we get quiet and listen.

Now we learn and grow.

Now we dance and sing.

Now we shed the old and make way for the new.

Now…we stop.

Winter is the season of slowing down, of being yin, turning inwards and reflecting quietly. I have taken some time in the past few months to reflect on my intention of 2015 to trust my intuition and that little voice and feeling in my gut that says, “Yes!” or “No.” I’ve found that the more I listen to it, the more it rings like a gong instead of dinging like a triangle. It captures my attention and has programmed my mouth to respond authentically, instead of following what I “should” do. And that has created the fearlessness with which I enter 2016…and return to you.  

The notion of “coming home” is very sacred in the mystic traditions of this planet. It is called many names, but always means returning to who we really are, instead of living from the limitations we create for ourselves. This year I’m so excited to embark on some new authentic offerings with courageous and inspiring teachers here in Seoul and in the Pacific Northwest. The rumors are true: I’ll be in Seattle in early April and will spend the Spring and Summer offering workshops, courses and retreats in the Seattle and Portland area, and beyond. With these offerings comes the call to “come home,” to step into the light and to manifest the life that truly inspires you.

I am in the process of creating a new website and fine-tuning the offerings I am most inspired to share this year. While I have some ideas already lined up, I am also open to the needs and desires of my communities near and far.

So, here is my call to you: Join me in creating and sharing offerings of authentic exploration and creation!

Contact me with…

  • Your personal or professional desire for 1 on 1 Yoga Coaching or Life Coaching
  • Connections to yoga studios to host offerings for Conscious Living and Relationships
  • Companies, corporations or groups interested in Mindfulness Training
  • Retreat or workshop centers geared towards Satsang – Communities of Truth
  • Women’s groups yearning to explore the Sacred Feminine
  • Inspired ideas for collaboration

Stay tuned for another email this month with dates and details. And in the meantime, let’s set a collective intention to fearlessly connect with those who inspire us to be more than what we think we are. I’ve created a vision board with the teachers who most inspire me and with whom I’d like to study and share. For I’ve found that the only limitations I have are those I impose on myself. Let’s shatter those limitations and grow together.