Alone, Grateful and Confused

Normally at this time of year people send out a little wrap-up of their year in progress, things they’ve accomplished, trips taken, family milestones, and plans for the new year. That is not the intention of this writing, so please don’t be disappointed by the non-traditional end of the year correspondence. And I’m grateful that you’re here to read my musings, yet again.

I have been reminded lately of one of my favorite sayings, “If you want to make God laugh, just tell him your plans.” I continue to learn the ebb and flow between ideas, plans, and spontaneous actions inspired by intuition. Which leads us to my current situation of flying through the air alone and landing in Seoul a few days ago without a safety net. One thing I continue to experience more and more is a feeling of expansion and a “knowing” that there are no wrong decisions. In fact, there are no decisions. Intuition tells us everything we need to know, including the responsibility we need to take for our actions, the effects our actions will cause, and to trust that this, too, is right. I recently read about this phenomenon in The Tao of Pooh. “From our natural state (the Uncarved Block) comes the ability to enjoy the simple and the quiet, the natural and the plain. Along with that comes the ability to do things spontaneously and have them work, odd as that may appear to others at times.”

After a few months of emotional ups and downs, pushing and pulling, and an constant letting go into the unknown of relationships, finances, family, and practice, I followed my intuition and bought a one-way ticket to Seoul with the possibility of getting a job teaching music and theater to gifted kindergarten students in the massive capital of South Korea. You probably know me to be a spontaneous person, trusting in my intuition and going on many an adventure into the wide world. But this was new to me. In the past, I’ve always had a plan of attack where I went, a workshop or retreat to attend, a place to volunteer and serve, a job, etc. I must specifically thank the influence of my partner these past few years in reminding me time and time again to trust what comes and what feels right as the “right thing.”

When I had the thought of just going to Korea (it was literally one of those moments where you feel the light come on over your head) I smiled at the ridiculousness of it, especially in how quickly I would be leaving Seattle and that I would be alone for the holidays with so much uncertainty and emotional confusion left at home. And I decided to jump feet first instead of continuing to wait for the “perfect thing,” which seemed like it wouldn’t manifest over any more time scanning job ads on the computer. And then came the beauty of being present and not upset by other people’s reactions to my decision.

Fast forward one week and here I am in Seoul, snow and all, alone, grateful, and still confused. I realized a long time ago that feelings are not geographically contained. That may seem obvious to you, but it’s taken me a lot of years of mistakes, messiness, and heartache to really know. Whatever you leave in your home, your holiday spot, your schools, etc, will still be there – no matter where you go in the world. What I’ve left in Seattle is mostly an unfathomable abundance of Love and acceptance. I feel so grateful to miss my family, something I know that a lot of families don’t experience no matter how long they’re apart. I’m grateful to have led some amazing emotional and spiritual journeys this year with my community, to meet new like-minded souls, to inspire and be inspired, and to connect even deeper with those who resonate with my crazy ways.

And I’m grateful that I can take action in my life without letting fear paralyze me, to jump continents, jobs, relationships, experiences, and accept whatever comes next. Or to stay still and be with what is in one place for a while. Let’s get this straight: it’s not that I don’t experience fear. I feel afraid every single day. But I let this be a tool to guide me to making intuitive decisions, not a barrier to moving forward with growth and change.

And this is what I want to continue working with in the New Year. Intuition. Internal guidance. It’s easy enough to say that I know everything I need to know and already am everything I need to be, but to believe it and LIVE it is quite another. I’ve been telling myself those things for seven years and now I’m ready to trust in my intuition and follow where it leads. I find that it often feels fuzzier and less specific than having a rational, logic-based answer to back-up my actions. And it means I might not always simply be nice or say “yes” to every opportunity that comes along. It might mean that I change my mind and cancel plans more often, short-term and long-term. I might take more time for solitude and quiet and turn my back on the world for a little while in order to listen more clearly to my internal guide. And it certainly means that I will be more present with my emotions and allow myself to feel sadness, grief, loneliness, heartbreak, longing, confusion, AND gratitude, bliss, grace, abounding love, compassion, sweetness and the vastness of human experiences. Without judgment. Well, I’ll try, anyway.

For your peace of mind, I’ll let you know that I did get the job which begins January 1st and comes with some really sweet students and co-workers, an apartment (starting Jan 1) in walking distance to my school, a few days in Japan to process my visa, and a salary enough to begin realizing my financial goals. Tomorrow I move to a warmer guesthouse in Gangnam where I’ll stay until I go to Japan. Everything works out in the end. And if it hasn’t worked out yet, then it must not be the end. (I can’t take credit for that, I heard it a few weeks ago.)

May you experience the next step on your journey with confidence, strength, acceptance, love, and connection. Call on your guides to support you and remember that you are never, ever alone. Even if you don’t feel the things you need to nourish and support you right now…they are simply waiting for you to ask for help.

 

What’s Next or What’s Now?

I have been beyond blessed this summer to spend time, both in Seattle and in the beauty of the northwest, with friends, family and loved ones. I danced and loved at two yoga festivals in BC, spent time with the goddesses in my family in Leavenworth, took a spontaneous trip to Whidbey with my beloved partner, and have more adventures planned for my last weeks in the Puget Sound. It’s time I answer the question of, “So, what’s next??”

I have two more weeks teaching musical theater in the Seattle area, along with wrapping up the Transformative Women’s Journey, leading Diving Deep: Yoga to Open the Heart workshop at Three Trees Yoga, and starting a 4-week discussion series called ‘A Practical Guide to Karma Yoga: The Path of Action,’ also at the wonderful home of Three Trees Yoga in Federal Way. If you’ve been curious about how to take your yoga practice into every moment of your life, through  your words, actions, and work in the world, this series is for you! Then, beginning August 25th, I will be attending a 4-week intensive CELTA course in English Teaching in Tacoma, so my homebase will move to Federal Way for that time. And then I “plan” to take off around the 1st of October with an English teaching contract somewhere in the world…yet to be manifested!

My last offering of the summer will be a special something that is still brewing. I hope to announce it soon. Stay tuned for a juicy and connecting time that will re-set you on your path through the rest of the year. I would also love to connect with you in my northwest tribe if we haven’t had the chance yet.

As I immerse in the flow of the Universe moment by moment, I find myself laughing and crying at Shakti’s expression of time, the paradoxically limiting and expansive force of our existence. Intimately knowing both groundedness and restlessness, I am surprised to awake each morning to one less day in Seattle and one day closer to the next adventure. Of course, that’s all not real because the Truth is actually what’s unfolding in the present, not the past or the future. I set the intention to show up to every hug, prayer, teachable moment, candlelight dinner, walk in the park, and frustrating thought, equally and attentively, and remind myself through all of those moments that we are not humans reaching for a Divine experience, we are Divine Spirits expressing ourselves through human form. And all you have to do is show up. Easy, right?

Liberated Living

Ten months ago I left Seattle with a very large backpack, an adventurous spirit, the intention to connect to myself and my partner, to find a greater sense of compassion for the world’s diverse peoples, and to let go. I let go, yet again, into liberated living. My practice over the last ten years has brought me to ever-increasing depths of surrender, starting with the first moment in a Bikram class where the Divine Consciousness very clearly told me to “let go, everything will be okay.” These words were repeated by a dear friend later that year at Kripalu as “Let go and Let God.” And this month as I finally overcame my lifelong fear of open water by scuba diving, I told myself over and over again to “Relax, breathe, and let go,” a mantra etched by hours and hours of japa repetition.

Often in practice we are looking for a state of consciousness beyond what we experience in everyday life. And while that has brought me more faith in my practice, the wider goal is bringing the experience of connectedness and Divinity into the waking world. In Tantra, the goal is not just to ascend and skip this worldly stuff. We aim to personally evolve, to be the best human being possible right here and now, to realize the divinity of body, mind, heart, and Spirit, and to live fully and freely. As said beautifully by Sia, “Welcome to the church of what’s happening Now.”

My last week in Koh Phangan, Thailand was marked with a Goddess Celebration hosted by Agama: three blissful days of self-transformation and worshiping Shakti, that aspect of the Divine which IS everything we see and experience. We were transformed into the Goddess – or better said, were able to see ourselves as the Goddesses we are and drop the masks which limit us from experiencing our wholeness every day. I will share many of these practices in the upcoming Transformative Women’s Journey.

With the transition back to American life this week, I take the time to learn and live the multitude of lessons life has thrown at me the last year around the world. I hold this year’s intention to appreciate, experience, and integrate life’s precious moments. The Yoga Sutra of Patanjali says, “All experience can either be for bondage or liberation.” May this summer solstice bring you the liberated living that you so deserve.

My Lifelong Fear of Being Still

As my partner, Circus, and I sail down the coast toward San Francisco, stopping at ports for a few nights here and there, the transition of being “gone” is a strange one. Usually when I move away or take off for a long trip there is at least a time difference – if not a great distance – between where I’ve been and where I’m going. This “going” is the operative word, as it helps quell my lifelong fear of…simply being still.

Maybe I’m used to the buffer of comfort in being in a totally different culture with constant acclimation and newness to distract me from feelings of home- (or other place) -sickness. But with more than a week of bumming through coastal towns and minimal distractions on the boat, I allow myself no choice to be present with what is. And that is a mix of contentment, sadness, dull excitement, some residual sea-sickness and achy-ness from boat travel, and the hope that I’m headed down the right path.

Often when there are periods of quiet and introspection, little sprouts of doubt and fear creep in, trying to disguise themselves as caution and rationality. Fortunately I’ve learned to recognize their stories – which are based on distrust of the ability to flow with the waters of life and accept what is given – as just stories, and not listen hard enough to change my course. I think I still have some trouble with just enjoying life when it’s not directly benefiting a big community or working towards some life-changing goal. For all that I teach about finding balance and the necessary beauty of play, I apparently still have some negative self-talk! And for this and many other reasons, I still practice every day as diligently as travel allows. I find in my meditation more space to accept the places I am growing and integrating, and the clarity to see the small strides that I make every day. Those little negative voices tend to recede when I don’t feed them and my practice lays the tracks that I prefer to be my habitual mind-speak. Namely, presentness and a mind less distracted by negative talk and self-doubt.

I found a book called Money, Sex, War, Karma by David R. Loy at a bookshop before I left, and its relevance in my life right now makes me smile. It’s about how the spiritual path doesn’t give us permission to sit quietly and “be spiritual” but instead holds us accountable to our actions and our everyday impact. Rising consciousness hopefully inspires us to understand more macro-cosmically (on the large scale) how every thought, word, and deed has an impact on our community of human beings and our Mother Earth. We get to make moment-by-moment choices about how to relate to people, where to put our money and our energy, and how all this affects our circles at home and abroad. I guess one of the reasons I like traveling is the tangibility with which I see those effects. And the moment-to-moment impermanence that is living out of a backpack.

Lastly, I’ve been musing over my life-long discomfort with living in the place I was born. I don’t know where this seed came from, but I’ve always had a gnawing little voice that said if I stay in Seattle my whole life – or even come back there to live long-term – I am a failure. I know that is a big, fat lie and probably even hurtful to my friends and family in Seattle. It’s certainly not a judgement that I impose on anyone else. In my current musings, I identify this as my silly little ego. These past few years in my hometown have convinced me that a life in Seattle is just as noble as a life on the road or anywhere else and hopefully has laid to rest that voice of insecurity and personal judgment.

Today we sit in Newport to provision for the next leg, perhaps to Coos Bay and then to California. The rains have stopped and the skies are gray with touches of blue as I watch the rolling ocean waves outside the jetty that our boat is safely tucked behind. It’s nice to have times of calm mixed with days of excitement. The days of integration are important for me to process, be still, and communicate with you. And the days of excitement are awesome!. Gratitude for all of it and for my patient, kind and fun-loving travel companions.

Choosing Partnership Over Fear

Recently, I’ve begun to reexamine the question “Why Am I Here”? You probably know that I believe everything exists for a reason, all at the right moment, and I trust that I am being led…well…somewhere. What I continue to be surprised about is that it’s not leading me anywhere but here. This is one of those truths that, I think, we “know” but don’t really know. The path doesn’t lead us anywhere but where we are; it only awakens us to actually being where we are. Through the divine medium of Love, I’m still here, in Seattle, in America. As much time as I’ve spent trying to be most other places, I’m here.

Digging through some pretty big barriers of fear, I decided to forgo my plans to return to South Korea and instead stay with my new partner, Circus, in Seattle. Together, we plan to go back out into the wild to experience whatever Life calls us to experience. Together. Together isn’t something I thought I wanted or recall asking for, explicitly. And yet, many of my teachings are based around surrendering to the divine through Love. What I perhaps forgot is that we are always offered exactly what we need and get to make a choice if we are ready to really take it, or not. I choose yes. I choose yes.

I wish I could say it’s been all bliss and roses since. When we are in the bliss of union, trust, limitless love and surrender, it is certainly bliss. But we live in everyday life, too. And in that everyday life I have habits and patterns I am less than proud of. (And letting go of that shame is high on my list of priorities, I assure you.) You could call it karma, too; ways of living that have been imprinted on my mind from countless previous relationships and experiences.

When you are doing what you are used to, things don’t “come up” all that much. And that was my happy, single, spiritual life. I have surely wrestled with the spiritual teachings of celibacy and isolation and have come out the other side knowing that connecting with another soul, or other souls, is a valid and beautiful path to realizing the union of yoga or whatever you want to call it. And it can rock your very foundation, crack apart what you think you know about life and love and expectations, and leave you falling into the abyss of surrender. But isn’t that the point? Aren’t we going for the “Beginner’s Mind” as the Buddha calls it? To see every moment as the first time, without expectations? Aren’t we trying to rid ourselves of patterns, habits, ego-grasping, etc., etc.? Maybe, maybe not. For me, I am reminded every day that connection – or reconnection as I experience it – is a way to see and recall the Divine in every moment.

They say Tantra is the highway to discovering the Truth – Tantra meaning the interconnected web of life, samsara, Shakti, experiential existence, as opposed to the pristine isolation of the soul. And it’s messy and sometimes chaotic. It doesn’t always feel good and calm and perfect. What I continue to learn from the amazing love I experience every day – from so many people – is that life isn’t supposed to be any one way and I’m not supposed to know how to “navigate” it. Truly living in the moment means letting go of what we think the moment should look like or feel like and just experiencing it as is, for the first time. Because every moment is the first time. No two moments are the same and nothing can be recreated or experienced again.

So I unpack what I think life is supposed to look like, what a spiritual teacher is supposed to do, and ask myself “Why Am I Here”? And when I let go of my own expectation, I come back to simply trust that I don’t know and I don’t need to know. Well, in a way, I do know. I feel when I am in line with my truth, when I am doing things that feed my soul and surrounding myself with people who challenge me to be the most compassionate and honest person I can be. I am here to experience and awaken and to share that with you. What I don’t know is exactly what that is going to look like. And that is certainly okay.

One of my favorite teachings is that the amazingness of life comes from its unknowable and unpredictable nature. Even on that day when we wake up and really realize that we are of the same stuff as all of creation, we still get to be surprised at what is around every corner, the beautiful people we run across, the lives we will affect in ways we will never know. And for all of that and more, I must thank you for encouraging me to grow more into myself, just by us knowing one another.

What spurred this topic is having to cancel some really incredible things that I had planned to do today – some of my favorite things in fact – because of a physical injury. So I am lying on the couch in the house I share with my partner, in a bathrobe, trying desperately not to feel guilty, and wondering how I can be what I am supposed to be, how and what I can really give to the world lying on this couch and feeling sad and hurt. This is what I came up with: to continue to share my journey with you, one day at a time and one story at a time. And trust that it’s all enough.