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Sacred Sexuality for Liberated Lovers

Ready to be liberated in your sexuality?

If you are intrigued and excited to ask some compelling questions, uncover your potential as a lover, and tap into the depth of an integrated, whole-life spiritual journey, then come join us!

Sacred Sexuality for Liberated Lovers with Seattle Tantra teacher Grace Bryant is a full-day workshop to develop the union of sex + spirit, or sacred sexuality. The workshop will offer tools for more sacredness and presence in your sexuality and a more liberated sexuality in your spirituality. We’ll address questions like:

What does liberated sexuality feel like?

  • How does my spiritual practice lead to a better relationship with my sexuality?
  • How can I be more present, available and surrendered with my intimate partner(s)?
  • How can I ask for want I want?
  • How do I find more sacredness in my sexuality and in my intimate relationships?

Complete with rituals, theory, practical + playful exercises, and a bunch of fun ways to connect deeply with others, this full-day workshop will give you a whole new vantage point for the union of sex + spirit or sacred sexuality.

We’ll also explore the following topics both in theory and practice:

  • Embracing your own sexuality with more freedom, adventure and acceptance
  • How to crack open and be more available to your partner
  • How Tantra helps build trust in intimate relationships
  • Expanding every intimate connection beyond just the body
  • Transforming desire into reverence
  • Deepening your connection with yourself and others
  • Creating a much, much bigger capacity for love – both giving and receiving
  • Tools to become a better lover
  • Playful and connecting exercises for exploring sensuality, relationships and energy
  • Tantric Rituals & Meditation

Open to individuals and couples of all gender identity and sexual orientation. Please note there is NO nudity or sexual touch in this workshop. Come with an open heart and a willingness to explore yourself and connect with others.

FAQ’s
I’ve been practicing Sacred Sexuality for years. Is this just for beginners?
Nope. This is a foundation that can apply to anyone, wherever you are on the path. The beauty of Tantra is that it encompasses all of life and we can always learn how to bring more intimacy to places we aren’t yet aware of. Experienced practitioners are welcome and encouraged to join! If you’re curious to know more, please contact Grace.

I’m a beginner to Tantra. Will this be accessible for me?
Absolutely. This workshop will lay a foundation that can apply to anyone, wherever you are on the path. For beginners, you’ll get a set of language to start delving into sacred sexuality as well as the experience of playing (in a safe, non-genital touching space) with some like-minded and like-hearted humans. If you’re curious to know more, please contact Grace.

I’m LGBTQ+. Will the practices be relevant for me?
Oh, yes. Grace identifies as Queer and Gender Queer. She offers non-gendered work that plays with how we sit in the masculine/feminine balance at any given moment and how that changes with our different partners, life experiences and moods. We’d love to have more of our LGBTQ+ family at this workshop and at Moksha Tantra Center.

What is Moksha Tantra Center?
Moksha (sanskrit: mokṣa): liberation, emancipation, release from bondage, freedom.
Tantra: a system for awakening understanding beyond the limitations of normal cognitive thinking.
Moksha Tantra reconciles classical tantric spiritual practice with neo-tantra celebration of sacred sexuality. We are a Seattle-based community exploring the practice of freedom.

I’d love to come, but it’s a big financial stretch. Are there scholarships?
Yes. No one will be turned away for lack of funds. And, we are a non-profit organization running on your donations and event fees. Please consider how much you’re able to contribute and contact Grace to see how you can energetically support our community as well.

Cost:
Individual – $95
Couple or Bring-A-Friend – $170 for both
Polycules + Moresomes – $85 per person
Register by September 1st for a 10% discount
*Snacks and tea are included. Please bring a lunch or be prepared to grab something nearby.
No One Turned Away for Lack of Funds – please contact Grace to talk about other financial options

Kirtan: A Night of Community Music

 

 

Join in the magical ritual of kirtan, or devotional singing.
All voices, songs and traditions are welcome.
Grace will lead this monthly night of chanting (bhajans) to different names and forms of the Divine.

Please bring your voices, any instruments you’d like to play, and an open heart.
No religious or spiritual belief is necessary to enjoy the vibration of Mantra, sacred sound, and the harmony and joy that making music from the Heart brings.

Cost: Donation Only

What is a Kirtan?
By Grace

Kirtan is a beautiful meeting of community to sing, dance and rejoice in the Divine vibration. I will lead a number of songs that you can join in or sing call-and-response style. The words and melodies are simple and there’s no need to “be a singer” to join us. All voices and bodies are welcome. The intention is to create vibration from the Heart, to join in Love and offer our spirit to the Great Spirit.

I have always found Kirtan to be so uplifting, so rejuvenate my body and attitude, to remind me of my connection to the everything.

There will also be a time of open expression where you can sing, lead a song, poem or something else that inspires you in the spirit of Bhakti, devotion to Love.

Come sing with us! I hope to see you there!

Yogassage

Join Grace and a team of massage therapists for a 75-minute guided yin yoga practice with the added experience of massage techniques and adjustments. This evening promises even extra goodness because Grace will be joined by the sounds of the sweet didgeridoo.

Now with fewer spots available to ensure more hands-on attention per yogi!

$40 | 15% off for VIP Members
Space is Limited.
REGISTER HERE
*Limited waitlist available. Cancellations with 24 hours or more notice are eligible for refund (account credit only). Contact management at [email protected]

Kids Yoga Teacher Training

Want to learn how to teach yoga to children? This 3-hour workshop will give you the basic skills and confidence to teach
yoga to pre-k through middle school students. 

Whether you are a teacher who wants to add yoga to your classroom curriculum, a yoga teacher who wants to offer classes to kids, or a parent who wants to practice with your own children, this workshop will get you rolling. We’ll start with what you need to know about teaching yoga to kids, how it differs from adult classes and move into fun games and activities that are successful with different ages. We’ll explore how to theme and design a class, what to do in difficult moments, and how to keep students engaged in the class. We’ll finish with a mock Kids Yoga Class where participants can take turns leading activities to one another, role-play “kid behavior” and receive peer feedback.

$90 preregistration required

NEW YEAR’S SILENT MEDITATION RETREAT

Transform this New Year’s Eve by quieting your mind, rejuvenating your body and opening your heart. The Hridaya Silent Meditation Retreat is four days of noble silence, allowing you to drop the everyday acts of doing and sink into just being, with intentional time to set your goals and desires for the upcoming year.

Is life calling you to slow down?

Are you moving too fast to actually experience your life?

Are you ready for deep transformation but something is holding you back (like not knowing how or being afraid of what will happen?)

Then you’re ready for a meditation retreat – a silent meditation retreat.

Ah! Silent? Like not talking? That’s scary. I can’t imagine being silent for any length of time. I can’t even sit still for a few minutes without finding a distraction.

Right – which is why you feel so wound up. It takes time to slow down and learn how to let go – of your past, of your worries, of what the future might look like if you don’t have it all figured out. Trust me, you’re not alone. You’re one of millions of people Google searching how to let go of their worries and how to be more present and accepting.

A silent retreat is a kickstart to deep transformation, to slowing down and to learning how to enjoy every minute of life.

A silent retreat is for anyone who’s craving time to themselves, an inner transformation, and to experience what meditation can bring to their life. It sets you up for a disciplined personal practice and a road map to letting go.

What’s a silent retreat like?

The Hridaya New Year’s Silent Meditation Retreat is structured to give you guidance every step of the way. Everyone is invited to practice noble silence throughout the entire retreat, from our opening circle to our closing circle. Retreat leaders will speak during sessions to offer teachings and guidance in the practices, but will also be in silence outside of the sessions. You are encouraged to ask written questions about your experience, the teachings or anything you need during our retreat. You’ll always be able to contact a retreat leader for support.

We begin our morning practice at 7am and end the day around 9pm. Fear not! Our meditation sessions start out shorter and build up during the weekend. There is a 3-hour break after lunch for you to explore nearby trails, journal, ,  take a nap or rest. Three nourishing, vegetarian Ayurvedic meals are offered daily by a local chef using seasonal produce that helps you have the best retreat possible, not only in your mind and heart but also in your belly. Purify even more with a sweat in the wood-fired sauna in the evenings.  

A few times a day we practice Hatha Yoga – a gentle but deep meditative physical yoga practice in the style of Hridaya, the Yoga of the Spiritual Heart. Movements and poses are accessible for all bodies and give you even more tools to bring more awareness into your daily life through the body. Hridaya Yoga is distinct from other practices as it engages not only the physical body but the whole being. Postures and practices are performed with a focus on both the physical body and inner experience, turning physical practice into blissful meditation. If flow or vinyasa is your thing, there is also a time before dinner to do your own practice and those things that you know nourish you best.

What should I expect in a silent retreat?

Every silent meditation retreat is different – even if you attend the exact same retreat multiple times. The most important attitude to have in a silent retreat is to let go of expectations. There are moments of challenge and moments of bliss in a meditation retreat, times of discomfort and times of joy. A spirit of openness to what unfolds is essential to welcoming a retreat experience.

Grace and Dianna, your retreat leaders, have a decade of experience leading people through the personal transformation of yoga, meditation and silent retreats. We start with the basics of meditation and concentration techniques and build your understanding and experience throughout the weekend. Practices are accessible for beginning meditators and experienced meditators alike. You’ll learn how to listen to deeper parts of yourself – like that voice that’s been trying to be heard for years – through yoga, meditation, breathing exercises, daily life contemplation, spiritual curiosity, compassion and intentional integration.

You’ll leave on January 1st with a renewed strength and momentum to develop a daily practice which keeps you more calm, centered and present than you’ve been before.

Our meditation retreat atmosphere is a safe space for you to try out different meditation and concentration practices, have a messy experience, and makes notes of how you want to bring these practices into your life. There’s no expectation that you do anything perfectly or that you can even sit still! We practice together by increasing the length of our meditations day by day and building up our stamina in the practice. Your humanness is welcome – exactly as you are.

On the last day there is time to share your experience and we highly encourage you to listen deeply to the process of others and share your retreat experience. This is sometimes the most profound session of the whole weekend after being in silence with fellow seekers for four days.

What do we do in a meditation retreat?

Hridaya Silent Retreats are created to intimately experience what meditation is and to feel the inner transformation it can bring. During our meditation retreat, we offer practices centered on the Spiritual Heart – another name for the essence of our being. Practices come from a variety of traditions, including esoteric Christianity, Sufism, Buddhism, Tantra, Taoism and Yoga. All religious backgrounds, faiths and lifestyles are welcome in the Spiritual Heart! The atmosphere is one of love and strong spiritual support.

No previous meditation or yoga experience is necessary as this silent retreat is designed for beginner and advanced meditators alike.

Using techniques from these vast, mystical traditions and Hridaya Yoga, we’ll learn how to create the best conditions for meditation including cultivating awareness, mental concentration, meditation techniques based on opening to the Spiritual Heart and how to apply these techniques in daily life. The last day will include practical and concrete integration practices like how to create a home practice and maintain an open heart in the challenging moments of life.

 

Where is the New Year’s Silent Meditation Retreat?

We are blessed to be hosted by the Yoga Lodge on Whidbey Island in Washington State. The pristine nature sanctuary and retreat center has been hosting deep personal transformation and spiritual growth for decades and you can feel it the moment you arrive. You’ll drop into a quiet space of unwinding and you’ll feel the desire to slow down, breathe more deeply and step into silence. Our home in the woods is surrounded by natural beauty, walking trails, wild deer, and the silence of Whidbey Island. There is little to distract you here.

The Yoga Lodge on Whidbey Island sits on ten acres at the end of a private lane. It offers a place to pause and unplug from the stimulation of day-to-day life and access a quiet, connected presence. The lodge and its grounds are a nature sanctuary available for reflection, writing, marking a major life event, healing, connecting with nature and learning sacred practices such as meditation, yoga and Ayurveda. Your home at the Whidbey Yoga Lodge is simple and understated to support sadhana or practice, to inspire clarity, vision and understanding of the interconnectedness of all life.

What does it mean to be silent?

Silence starts with not talking…but it’s so much more.

We start with the intention to not talk or communicate once we set our container and begin the retreat. You are welcome to write notes to retreat leaders when you have questions or need assistance. Otherwise, we ask there to be no communication between guests, including not looking at other people’s faces, not making eye contact and not touching others. This may seem strict, but it opens the gateway to really focus internally, the whole point of a silent retreat. Once you get into the rhythm, you’ll be grateful for the space away from pleasing people or worrying about how they’ll react to you.

We ask all guests to maintain this noble silence throughout the retreat, which includes: no books, no electronics, no music, no phones or devices or other distractions. Again, this might feel extreme. The point is to not let yourself go to any distraction from what you’re really experiencing in the present moment. If taking a few days away from social media scares you, then you’re very ready for this journey.

We do encourage journaling to assist in the processing of your experience.

If you’ve never experienced the intimacy of silence – especially in today’s fast-paced, notification pinging, constant news driven, social media addicted, instant gratification world – you’ll never forget the spaciousness it brings. You’ll leave with more inner and outer love, tools to calm and center yourself, an understanding of what it means to let go, practices for deeper connection with other people, and the ability to be more present, conscious and to let go.  

We hope you’ll join us for this special weekend dedicated to YOU.

What have people experienced in silent retreats?

We’ll let our guests tell you in their own words what they’ve experienced in a silent meditation retreat.

This was truly one of the most memorable weekends. It left me feeling awake and focused. I am inspired to now have an unplugged time every day.” – Mona, South Korea

Grace creates an accessible, welcoming and safe environment that is both heart-warming and inspiring. Her energy and passion for what she does is infectious, so much so that a room full of strangers at the beginning of a weekend can feel like family by the end. You will be energized, challenged, comforted and much, much more. I cannot recommend this retreat enough.” – Ben, South Korea

This retreat has helped me reframe my expectations of myself and my expectations of others. I have been very judgmental of myself and I feel I have learned to let some of that go.” – Matt, Whidbey Island

After this retreat, I am committed to fear less, love more and to refresh my daily practice.” – Terri, Whidbey Island

I really benefitted from the meditation times that extended a little every day. I’ve been trying meditation on my own and using phone apps, but I’ve never tried more than 10-20 minutes. It showed me I can find a gap in the my thoughts without frustration and I can train my puppy mind. I also feel more connected to what love actually is after this retreat and how to focus on giving love in my life. I know now that if I give love from a selfless, compassionate place, I will also receive love.” – Tracie, Whidbey Island

During this retreat, I realized how distracted I am by my phone and laptop. I have loved being away from both and plan to have a few times daily when I look at them instead of just responding to every notification and sound.” – Jodi, Whidbey Island

This retreat helped me to reframe how I live every day! I’ve been wanting to return to the heart, but I’ve lost my way with the big changes and challenges of 2017. I want my heart to lead instead of the reactivity I have indulged in. The practices we did this weekend help me to connect the spiritual and physical and I’m inspired to keep practicing being in the Spiritual Heart.” Chrysalis, Whidbey Island

This weekend I really got the idea of responding instead of reacting to stress. I’m excited to apply the principles we’ve been using during meditation to my everyday life.” – Janet, Whidbey Island

Ready to know more or register?

If you have more questions, please contact us and ask! We’re happy to chat about your upcoming retreat experience and how you can feel the most comfortable and confident walking into a silent meditation retreat. It’s totally normal to be nervous, fearful or confused about a silent retreat and we’re happy to answer your questions and put your mind at ease.

Need financial assistance or a partial scholarship? Please contact us to talk about options.

We’re also happy to offer you PayPal Credit which allows you to sign up now and make monthly payments via PayPal.  

REGISTRATION HERE

Satsang: Nada – Outer Vibration and the Inner Sound

Each week we hold Satsang – “gathering together to share truth” – at the Mokṣa Tantra Center. For two hours we share body geometry (asana), white tantra practice (meditation, mantra, visualization), and teaching and discussion on a given topic. We usually conclude with a puja celebrating the divine within each other, or other energy-sharing practice.

In tantra, a satsang is a gathering of spiritual people for the purpose of sharing practice and wisdom. And this is exactly what we do. Each satsang brings different themes and topics, usually presented by Matthias, with all discussion welcome and invited. The themes and topics generally touch on aspects of sacred sexuality and the embodied spirituality of classical and neo-tantra. Sometimes we branch into relevant teachings from other traditions, as well as the nuances of non-dual spiritual experience.

Continue reading

Kirtan- A Night of Community Music

Join in the magical ritual of kirtan, or devotional singing.
All voices, songs and traditions are welcome.
Grace will lead this monthly night of chanting (bhajans) to different names and forms of the Divine.Please bring your voices, any instruments you’d like to play, and an open heart.
No religious or spiritual belief is necessary to enjoy the vibration of Mantra, sacred sound, and the harmony and joy that making music from the Heart brings.

Cost: Donation Only

What is a Kirtan?
By Grace

Kirtan is a beautiful meeting of community to sing, dance and rejoice in the Divine vibration. I will lead a number of songs that you can join in or sing call-and-response style. The words and melodies are simple and there’s no need to “be a singer” to join us. All voices and bodies are welcome. The intention is to create vibration from the Heart, to join in Love and offer our spirit to the Great Spirit.

I have always found Kirtan to be so uplifting, so rejuvenate my body and attitude, to remind me of my connection to the everything.

There will also be a time of open expression where you can sing, lead a song, poem or something else that inspires you in the spirit of Bhakti, devotion to Love.

Come sing with us! I hope to see you there!

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Soma Meets Silence 4 day Silent Retreat in the Beautiful Methow Valley, Washington

This weekend, let go of what keeps you from your dream;
Let go – into the abyss of your Self.

Join Jamie and Grace in 4 days of silence, community and nature to draw into your Self and your Source. This retreat will lead you to quiet your entire system in order to re-awaken your senses. Together we will unravel traumas and contractions as we engage our bodies in practices of drawing in, cleansing and moving through. We will learn to reflect upon the Earth’s natural rhythms and draw in the energies of the Autumnal Solstice – dreams, reflections and letting go.

Group sessions include daily guided breathwork and meditation, tools to release stored traumas and contractions, movement, sound and ceremony. You will leave with a blueprint for your daily practice – the foundation for healing. Come prepared to cleanse every dimension, seen and unseen, as we engage all systems in a conscious slowing down and reawaken our intuition to inwardly listen and heal.

Our food will reflect this intention to slow down and dissect our distractions. We will spend a day in digestive silence with organic juices, tea and water. All other meals will be light, fresh, organic, vegetarian, gluten, dairy and allergen-free. And, of course, made with Love.

Held at the beautiful Skalitude Retreat Center in the Methow Valley, WA, participants will have ample time to explore the ancient sacred lands, take a sweat in the sauna, and breathe and dance in the pristine natural surroundings. This is the perfect setting for you to remember your connection to the natural healing rhythms that live within and around you at all times.

The retreat will be held in a sacred container with opening and closing circles. We ask all attendees to arrive and depart as one group (times below) to honor this container. We also invite you to bring an offering as there will be a space to share your medicine and your dream.

Home is Where Your Family Is

buddha statue

My spiritual journey has been the most practical time of my life. And by practical, I mean that practically speaking this path of connecting to Spirit has made countless changes in my everyday life and the way I relate to myself, my friends, students, fellow teachers, and to my family. These days I’ll begrudgingly admit that the last one is the hardest. Even with my progressive, quinoa and kale-eating, pilates-teaching, past-life talking family, it’s still hard.

In 2016, for the first time in my life, I’m wholeheartedly excited to be living in my hometown, seeing my family weekly and building community in the Northwest.

I began “growing apart” from my family in 2005 when I moved to Boston from my home of Seattle. I just needed something different, something to get me out of the rut of life I found myself in two years after graduating college.

That year, I dove into Yoga with reckless abandon and it began making some huge changes internally and externally. My favorite three studios were a Bikram hot yoga studio, a Baptiste power flow studio, and a great little place that held weekly restorative yoga. A bartender friend and I started attending Sunday morning restorative classes which gave us some space from the fast-paced life of Boston restaurants to feel our bodies and just shut the hell up for an hour and a half.

One Sunday morning, sun streaming in through the front windows amidst a particularly excruciating hip opener, the instructor offered the famous quote, “If you think you’re enlightened, go home.” I laughed along with everyone else and thought it was cute and witty. I didn’t have any idea how much this statement would affect me over the next 10 years.

Back then when I returned home to visit family and friends in Seattle, it was full of reunion, doing our favorite things, catching up and relating on mutually agreeable terms. My college friends were moving in some different directions, but we still had similar struggles in how to find our places in the world with idealism, creativity and some reality checks about paying rent and car insurance.

At the end of my year in Boston, I moved to Kripalu, a Yoga retreat center in western Massachusetts, and had two intense months of practice, introspection and growth. When I returned to Seattle in November 2006, it was the first time I felt…well, different. Like maybe my family didn’t understand me quite as well as they had before. Like maybe my priorities had really changed from those around me. And what do you know…judgment! So. Much. Judgment.

I had these recurring thoughts that my family wasn’t good enough, that their ways were so mundane, that they should (ugh!) be doing what I was doing. I judged their jobs, their habits, their food choices and mostly that they choose to live a life that was based in routine and patterns.

Here’s the first rub from the aforementioned enlightenment statement about going home: my family triggered a lot of the things I realized I didn’t want to be anymore. When I get triggered, one of two things happen. Either I freeze and just want to crawl into a hole and hide, or I get upset and reactive and want to yell and scream at whoever offended me. When this happens, there’s not much chance of me responding with compassion, kindness and patience and things tend to turn into a conflict or an argument and elevate more.

I didn’t know before I had left for those first few years away that my family that everyone had unspoken agreements about how I was supposed to act within the family dynamic – as a sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, niece, granddaughter. They assumed I was the same as the last time we saw each other. As did my fiancé who was living in Seattle. And his family. And my college friends and high school friends.

During those beginning years on my spiritual journey, I started resenting my family for simply being who they were and who they had always been. And, man, that’s not fair to them.

I was frustrated by the things I was and was not supposed to talk about and ask questions about, like why we did the things we did and what was the motivation behind my family’s lifestyle, something maybe they didn’t think too much about. I wanted to have all those deep, mysterious conversations about authenticity, spiritual practice, ways to transform my inner and outer landscape and the like.

I made the mistake that nearly everyone makes when “coming back” – a term I grew to resent more and more over the years of coming and going – believing that what I was talking about was more important than what my family was talking about. That how they lived their lives wasn’t good enough. I will admit I said some very hurtful things. And I hated being in my hometown.

I especially hated being in the suburbs. A lot. I had grown to love city life and country life, but the suburbs are a confusing jungle somewhere in the middle, in my very humble opinion, and I get lost with the miles of strip malls, unpredictable traffic, airplane noise, and very sad expressions on people’s faces. Suburbs drained me. And my family’s routines drained me, too.

Early in 2007 I took my first adult trip into the wider world: 3 months of WWOOFing (Willing Workers on Organic Farms) in New Zealand. I was joined by a friend from Kripalu, someone who was in a similar place of shedding the old and attempting to live a conscious life. It’s great to have compatriots and commiserators on the path. We spent a lot of time unpacking our emotions, recognizing our patterns and saying how we wanted to be free of all of that. And we were living it thousands of miles from America, from our families, the places we get stuck, and in the midst of living with Kiwis – the most grounded, connected and open people I had met as a whole.

And then I came back to Seattle again in 2007 – to my awaiting fiancé and family, which was really hard. So hard, in fact, that the relationship with my fiancé ended abruptly and I spiraled into my quarter life crisis and picking myself apart for not being on more solid ground by the time I was 27.

After the very challenging breakup, I grew to resent being in Seattle even more. The worst part for me was that I was living in the suburbs on the eastside of Seattle. It was actually a very sweet location, just above the Redmond farmlands and Woodinville wineries, but it was at least an hour from my family, 30-90 minutes commute to my music teaching jobs, and the other random work I took that year to cover the rent, like bartending at a golf course.

I wanted to leave again so badly that I was taking it out on everyone. I was even more bitter towards my very, very patient family. And then finally my mom gave me an out. Out of the blue one day she sent me a job ad for teaching English in Korea, which led very quickly to my first overseas teaching gig.

So did I get all that resentment and frustration out of my system? Alas, no. Which brings up my first lesson about digging up things with your family.

Lesson 1: Go wherever you want for as long as you want. Your lessons will be waiting for you when you get back.

The universe is patient. Very patient. Your karma is there to work out with your family whether you like it or not. And if you’re like me, you probably don’t. I ran away from my lessons again and again, but they were always waiting like an eager puppy ready to pounce and lick my face when I came home.

After three joyful, independent and sometimes lonely years among expats, travelers and Yogis, I once again came back home. My return to the Seattle suburbs in 2011 began with some peace and settling in, as I lived at my mom’s house on a lake, had long morning practices and spent regular time with my niece and new nephew. I was happy to be home and inspired to become a full-time yoga and music teacher, hoping it would all come pretty easily.

And it did. Until it didn’t.

I craved the company of people who inspired me like my expat friends had, to be around people who threw caution to the wind and jumped on a plane to the Philippines at a moment’s notice.

You can grow and change as much as you want while you’re away. When you come back, most likely your family will be pretty much the same as you left. They’ll be enjoying similar routines and patterns while you might be a completely different person with different preferences and habits.

Whatever is waiting in the shadows will come up at some point when you go back home. For me, it’s the way my family talks to me and pretends like we haven’t hurt each other over the years. We like to live in the realm of “everything’s okay.” That feels to me like being in denial about our years of stuff that we could be working out and forgiving each other for. We could be developing new patterns around our triggers – pretending they’re not there does not make them go away. If that were the case, we would be the perfect family model.

This continues to be a struggle today. Last week, my mom said to me, “Aren’t you over that yet?” about some childhood pain. Sure, it was 20 years ago but no, I’m not over it yet. So as I work on forgiving myself and my family, I invite them into the work, too. I can choose to say things to my mom like, “Actually, I still have some hurt feelings around that. And I don’t blame you. I’d really appreciate it if we could talk about that.” Another example is a conversation my sister and I had recently about our co-dependent relationship patterns. I find that by acknowledging our familial patterns with acceptance instead of denying them and playing the victim/martyr empowers me to make better choices in the present. And I can see how it helps my sister also uncover some hidden motivations and maybe feel free to make new choices, too.

I’m not sure that everyone feels that way, yet. We’re still learning, I guess.

 

Lesson 2: You’ll probably need to relearn how to communicate with family.

If you need something different, you have to ask! This is very, very hard for most of us. And even if you do develop the language to ask, your family members may not be able to give you what you need. Or they may have some resentment that you’re not appreciating them the way they are.

Let’s face it: most of us haven’t spent a lot of time negotiating and communicating about how we talk to each other. Maybe you’ve gotten good at that with your chosen family or close friends, but there is a lot more freedom to do that with people you don’t have 20+ years of history with. And a childhood. And guilt, shame and all the other things we build up conditioning around. Not to mention that our parents are doing the best with what they were given. Do you think they have any more tools of healthy communication than you do? Not likely, unless your dad happens to be Rodney Yee or Jack Kornfield.

Most of us live in our family patterns our entire lives without changing them. We hold the same grudges, speak to each other with the same tone of voice – like passive-aggressive, martyr, straight aggressive, even abusive and toxic patterns, etc. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to change these patterns and ask for something different. But someone needs to. None of us were born with perfect families. We all have karma and stuff to sort out in this lifetime – with our family members. That doesn’t mean we have to come back to abusive situations or make amends with everyone. Maybe our lesson is to make an empowered choice for ourselves not to associate with certain people. Maybe it’s to develop more compassion. Maybe it’s to forgive. Even Ramakrishna, the 19th century enlightened master, was said to scream at his family for their material ways and lower vibrations. I don’t know about you, but that makes me feel better about my family dynamic.

I recently had a talk with my mom about when I was going through PTSD a few years ago and how challenging that was for my family. I took all of my frustration and irritation out on my family and reacted to literally everything they said and did. Nothing was good enough or accepting enough. My mom and I had a great conversation about how I could have asked for help and that they really just wanted the best for me. That gives me a lot of courage to ask for help next time and to let them support me, no matter how messy or uncomfortable it is.

Saying to your parents, “Don’t talk to me like a child,” isn’t going to create new habits. It will probably make your parents feel hurt and get defensive. And please don’t make the mistake of trying to create new patterns while you are feeling triggered or reactive. That will only make things worse. Make some intentional time to talk to each other when everyone has ample time and has eaten (hanger will ruin any good conversation). Bring up a particular pattern, like how they are critical of your job or your partner or some way you feel pressured. Or maybe it’s asking them to express their love or respect.

The same strategies can work for developing communication with your kids! Set up a situation where everyone is comfortable and relaxed, start with some positive conversation or appreciation, then express something that you’d like to change or bring to everyone’s attention. Maybe you’d like to spend more time together, for them to stop asking for money, or to hear that they appreciate you. Ask them for exactly what you’d like and express that you’re doing the best you know how and are willing to make changes that will help them, too.

When we get into these conversations in my family, there are a lot of “Huh! I didn’t realize that hurt you,” or “Well, I’ve never thought about that before.” Give them the benefit of the doubt that if they knew they were hurting you, they’d change. And if you want things to change, take up the difficult responsibility to compassionately and empathetically ask for those changes.

Lesson 3: It takes a lot to accept your family just the way they are.

My students are often asking me about “outgrowing” their friends or finding new community that they can better relate with at this stage of their spiritual growth. If you look back over the last 10, 20, 30 years, you’ll probably notice that your closest friends have shifted more than once. They revolved around your job, your hobbies, where you were living, your spiritual choices, etc.

We get to choose our friends and also choose new friends or allow new community to come into our lives as we change. I find that the people I choose to spend time with these days are people who are on a very similar trajectory as me. That has changed a lot in the past 10 years. I still stay connected with a lot of my communities from the past, but I don’t feel I need to cling to friends I had during other versions of me as we’re growing apart.

That is not the same for your family. We only get one birth/childhood family, plus the new members that are picked up along the way like brother-in-laws and stepmoms. We only get what we’re dealt. So as we change and grow into new versions of ourselves, recognize that they might feel left out. They spent your lifetime loving you the way you were…and now you’re different! In 2000, my mom and brother moved to Australia for a year. When they returned, they were both remarkably different. They had spent the year shedding their skin, taking new adventures and living outside their comfort zone. It was a process of re-balancing for everyone when they returned.

Part of why I love traveling is going to places where no one knows a thing about me and I can show up fully present to what that moment needs. It’s easy to put down baggage when it’s not attached to my immediate surroundings. And part of why I love coming back is because the hugs, kisses, and chats are so deeply familiar and filled with years of collected understanding.

I can clearly see some of the lessons I need to learn from my family – notably patience, forgiveness, communication, and empathy – and why “coming back” is so necessary for me. Going away is very important too. Now I have a fresh perspective on the roles I play and the assumptions I have about where I do and don’t fit in. I’ve experienced what family looks and feels like to different cultures and can recognize that, although my family is far from perfect, they are really trying their best and are willing to support me if I just give them a little guidance and recognition.

 

Lesson 4: You will get triggered by your family. And you can create new patterns.

Home is where most of our programming comes from. We grew up with a whole bunch of  samskaras, patterns or habits that create neural pathways and behavior patterns that we live from our whole lives…or until we learn to rewire them. We can get to the bottom of these motivating thoughts and subconscious programming with a lot of intentional work, like counseling, yoga, mindfulness, ecstatic dance, creative writing, coaching, etc. Eventually we can unravel the causes of our suffering and stop living the same patterns and triggers day after day, year after year, triggers which are often tied to the sights, smells, and memories that we grew up with.

It’s possible to be proactive about the habits that exist in your family dynamic – even if they aren’t your fault or were formed during your childhood – and intentionally create new habits that will keep you present and kind. For example, I really don’t like my sister comparing my lifestyle with hers and complaining about how I spend my time. I could retort, “Well, you’re the one who chose to have kids,” (which I totally have said in the past), or I could say, “I hear you. It’s really tough to raise three kids mindfully. How can I support you?”

Practice with people outside your family who can deal with your upsets and triggers. Role play the hard conversations with people who can give you feedback and hold you through challenging memories. Play the worst-case scenario game and play around with how you would respond to your family member getting really upset by what you are offering. Most likely what actually happens will be easier than that scenario.

Conflict is a natural part of relating. No matter what your family dynamic is, there is conflict on some level. For real. Every relationship has it. If you’re like me, you tried to live in denial of this for a long time. Maybe the conflict in your family lives at the surface and feels constantly volatile. Or maybe it’s buried deep and never mentioned. Be aware that all families have their challenges, their miscommunications, their minefields. Take the lessons you learn on your path into your family dynamic without expecting others to change. But watch out for that judgment and expectation that your siblings should be changing in the same ways you are. That will only create more stress and disappointment.

The patterns that exist in your family have taken decades to create. Even more than that, they are probably ingrained from your parents’ parents and maybe their parents, too. Kindly introduce new ways to communicate and appreciate each other, but don’t expect everyone to jump on the bandwagon. Just because it feels good to you doesn’t mean it feels good to others right away.

I’ve recently started digging up some core wounding around my parents and siblings that I’d love to share with them. I also realize that if I open that can and pour out the contents, it will surely cause some pain. So we talk about things slowly, little by little. My mom gives me time to explain the things I want her to know and I give her time to deal with it in her own way. We’re still working on it, but there feels like a lot of space to talk about things we used to keep tight under the rug. Sure it’s uncomfortable, but every time we uncover a little more it feels like years of tension being lifted.

So be kind to yourself. And be kind to your family. Set the habits that will keep you present and kind, that will keep your love tank full. Remember, you’re in for the long haul with your family. Things take a loooooooong time to change. Years. As another teacher of mine says, “slowly, slowly.”