Queer Tantra: A LGBT Approach to “Shiva Meets Shakti”

two men about to kiss

Polarity and sacred union are fundamental principles in Tantra. From the consciousness of oneness, or God, there comes the twoness, or duality. The two are lovingly named Shiva, the principle of pure consciousness and direction, and Shakti, the principle of energy, power and manifestation.

David Deida describes this duality as the banks of a river -“Shiva”, and the water flowing within -“Shakti”. The banks hold the flow, but the flow also carves the banks.

In spiritual sexuality and sexual Tantra, we reach unity when Shiva and Shakti become one, uniting through intentional practices, rituals and lovemaking. This takes our human consciousness from duality, how we normally experience reality as you and me, black and white, hot and cold, to nonduality, the consciousness of oneness.

I first learned all this six years ago in a Tantra fundamentals workshop taught to a group of heterosexual attendees by a couple of heterosexual instructors. As a bi-sexual woman, I got the message that I was included in the sexual practices of Tantra, when I was with men. Maybe I could give other women yoni massages or support female journeys and transformation, but I couldn’t possibly reach these ultimate levels when I fucked my girlfriend. Could I?

Read the whole article on Omooni.com.

Polyamory is Figureoutable

two women and a man hugging

I’m a newbie to the poly world. I’ve only been living in conscious non-monogamy for the last six years, more or less consciously depending on the year and day. The surprising part is that I couldn’t tell you why it started. I heard a lecture on polyamory, had big triggers and mental blocks, thought I would never consider it, and then a month later I wasn’t interested in monogamy anymore.

Not only has my approach to dating and partnership been flipped on its head since then, but my whole life has changed paradigms. It continues to do so regularly. I have been influenced by all of the partners, lovers and configurations of polycules (see below if you’re unfamiliar with this term) I’ve been in over the last six years. And through much trial and error, yes I have made a lot of mistakes, and the support of many lovers and partners, I’ve come up with my ideal way I want polyamory to look in my life.

Just to clarify, this article is not about how to overcome jealousy, find compersion or deal with the stuff that comes up in poly relationships. And it is not to help you decide if you want to be in a non-monogamous relationship, although it might help people considering non-traditional relationship structures.

The intention of this article is simply to offer a few ideas of how to uncover the non-monogamous relationship structure you want, clarify the conscious non-monogamy and open yourself to playing within these structures as they change with each new arrangement of people. And, finally, I hope it helps you to find your own boundaries, desires and the non-negotiable things in your intimate relationships.

Read the whole article on Omooni.com.

Are you loving fearlessly?

My New Year’s intention for 2016 was two-fold: 1) Live fully empowered in each moment, and 2) Love fearlessly.

Well, when that’s what you’re putting out, take a guess what you’ll be getting back. Yeah, be careful what you wish for.

This year started with a bang of falling in love. After a year and a half of taking self-time, being intentionally single, diving into my own practices and a long period of solo integration, I went to the dangerously transformative island of Koh Phangan, Thailand and was struck by an incredible Australian woman who challenged me to be a more truthful version of myself. Not that I had been lying exactly. But I had been hiding behind a lot of mechanisms and patterns that kept me safe. I exactly hadn’t been loving fearlessly.

Like not being truthful about my sexuality.

Here I am, an empowered sexuality and relationship coach and facilitator. And when I did some investigation, I found that I still was carrying about 35 years of shame about being bi-sexual…and polyamorous. I was very good at hiding under the framework that if someone wanted to know something about me, they’d ask! But I don’t often hear people walking around asking, “What’s YOUR sexual orientation? Are you in open relationships?” Most people in America live under the heteronormative assumption. And I’ve surely been guilty of that as well.  

So I guess you handscould call this my coming out. It wasn’t exactly my intention to fall on the heels of Seattle Pride and the tragedy in Orlando. But I do strongly believe that these kinds of tragedies can effect change, personal empowerment and political shifts worldwide. Like perhaps supporting marriage equality in Australia (did you know gay marriage is explicitly illegal nationwide??? What???) and encouraging people to step into the most authentic version of themselves.

So what is loving fearlessly, for me? First, it’s embracing all the parts of me and loving them all equally and fully. Not just the successful, socially acceptable ones. But the ones that have brought me decades of shame and embarrassment like my near-lifelong fear of open water (cured!) or the fact that I never learned to ride a bike (still haven’t). Those things are pretty hard to share publicly.

The next step is to know that your relationships will cause you pain at some point. They just will. And that the pain is totally worth it. Rumi says, “You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” Tiptoeing into love will never break you open to actually knowing love. Staying safe will never crack your threshold to truly knowing yourself and connecting deeply with another soul.

That doesn’t mean it needs to hurt or that we should stay in loveless relationships. But sometimes the lovelessness is actually caused by our fear of going deep, being transparent and trusting to our partner enough to be vulnerable. If you’ve never read or seen Brené Brown, start with her TED talk. And then read her books. All of them. I honestly had no idea the places in me that were closed until I started ripping off the Band-Aids and looking beneath the surface, embracing all that muck as the actual fabric of my being and what’s got me here thus far. And then comes the ability to transform and let the lotus flowers sprout.

I can’t tell you how often people say to me that they want deep connection but they’re afraid to get hurt. I will tell you that it hurts. Having the aforementioned amazing Australian woman here for two weeks and then having to drop her at the airport a week ago hurt. It still hurts. It will continue to hurt until we see each other again. And…my heart is breaking open to new capacity which is flowing over to my clients, my family, the woman who just served me a cup of tea, my roommates who had to endure our lovesick ways, etc.

How is that possible? How can we turn the pain of separation and love wounds into more love? By recognizing that what you’re experiencing is actually love. It is unconditional love that you choose to stay in no matter how much it hurts. It is going in and in, to quote Danna Faulds. The feeling of separation which is the cause of our pain is our original wound of being separate from everything – from our connection to the Divine. And the bliss of reconnection, experiencing ourselves as the mystical unknown that we are is worth a million heart breakings.

Every time we crack the shell we’ve built over our hearts and minds, we allow ourselves to be more loving and more loved. Not Disney, romantic comedy love. But actual love which flows freely regardless of who or what is in front of you. It takes remarkable courage to let your heart break again and again so that you may let light in the cracks. You will feel more than you’ve ever felt. And I think this is what all religions and spiritual paths are teaching us: to feel it all, to embrace it all, to experience it all, and to turn it all into love.

How to know if you’re loving fearlesslyReveal Your Essence

Are you loving fearlessly? Are you investigating all the edges, rough patches, sticky places and dark hiding spots where you don’t want to look? This means embracing shadow. And shame. And the places where we’re afraid to be messy in favor of “saving face.”

Here are 4 things to consider when investigating how fearlessly you’re willing to love. Be kind to yourself as you answer them. If this is a process you’re just starting or are already immersed in, be sure to create some support systems for yourself. Talk to your loved one about this journey and let them know you might need some extra cuddles, Kleenex, and more air time than usual. And be prepared to need that and ask for it. Also if you know people going through this process, let them know they can be real with you without judgment or the need to fix things. They’ll appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.

1) What are you lying about?

To yourself? To your partner? To your community?

What parts of yourself do you just omit from conversations? Especially things like mistakes and embarrassments. We don’t need to constantly talk about our failures, but we also don’t need to be afraid to share them and be a little vulnerable. It will probably also inspire someone else to be more open to the things they’re not so proud of. Being vulnerable is numero uno importante when it comes to loving fearlessly.

Whatever you’re the most afraid to share, especially those skeletons that are dusty and dank from rotting in your closet for decades, give them some air time with people you trust. You will feel years lighter and more authentically yourself. And better yet, stopping the lies – which we all tell to maintain our precious image in our different social circles – makes less mental clutter because we have less to remember and less stories to keep straight. More space to show up and just be you.

Another revelation I had of late was that I loved being involved with my friends’ integrated communities, but I was terrified to do that myself. I tried to keep people separate and compartmentalize all the parts of my life. Opening all of these boxes and letting them mix has felt really messy and scary. And relieving. And surprisingly inspiring. It gives me room for my life to cross-pollinate a little bit, for my friends and lovers to know about each other, and to transfer the lessons I learn from one life situation into another.

2) Are you having the hard talks?

Another place to look is if you’re talking about that stuff that makes you cringe. With a new lover recently I had the STI/safe sex conversation which used to make me want to run and hide in a corner. After 5 years of being poly, I’ve boiled mine down to a few sentences of pertinent information and relevant questions that get it all out in the open and allow us to enter into trusting space, compassionate communication, and honesty. I spent my younger years being pretty sexually open and sex-positive. But I wasn’t taught that these are things you talk about or how to talk about them which led me to believe I was doing something wrong. And when I do something wrong, my inner demons love to persecute me. Mercilessly.

Someone recently said to me, “I don’t usually talk about that in my relationships.” Whatever that is for you, start talking about it! Where you feel dark and squeamish, there are most definitely demons haunting you and holding you hostage. My family didn’t used to talk about our core wounding, how we’ve hurt each other and what we’ve learned from each other. But we’re starting. And I feel a lot less elephants in the room and eggshells I have to carefully step around and avoid. Which frees up so much energy to actually be myself.

3) Are you making mistakes?

Love is messy.

Period.

If you’re not making mistakes and learning from them, you’re probably just repeating the same patterns and assumptions that you learned from your parents, teachers, movies or your society. Here’s a great conversation starter with partners and lovers: what’s a mistake you’ve made recently? What have you learned? How can they help hold you accountable for seeing that pattern when it comes up again?

To undo an ingrained pattern takes WAY more work than creating the pattern in the first place. Recognize that it’s going to come up again and the more people you have who can compassionately remind you that “you’re doing it again,” the more likely you are to grow out of habits that no longer serve you.

4) Do you say “I love you”?

When was the last time you stopped an important person in your life to tell them you love them? A family member? A chosen family member? A cousin? A co-worker or co-leader? Someone in your community? Do you tell people you love them? Or show them in different ways? When and how?

I used to be in the “we haven’t said I love you yet” camp in my intimate relationships. Where one person quietly says “I love you” after months of awkward dating and working up to those all-important, make-or-break, could-leave-you-feeling-horribly-uncomfortable words. But I also didn’t used to know how to love fearlessly. In a way that loving someone isn’t wrong and doesn’t need to be reciprocated.

It’s actually okay to say I love you and not have the other person say it back. Because love isn’t dependent on someone else’s feelings. It’s an unconditional gift that you offer from the heart because you want them to know they are loved, supported and cared for. Which doesn’t make them responsible for your love or feeling a certain way about you. When you offer love in this way, there is no disappointment or rejection. Just love.

One little trick to this is also discerning if your loved ones are actually hearing you when express love. They might not speak the same language as you when it comes to giving and receiving love. In my family we often say “I love you,” but I spent a chunk of my childhood feeling unloved because of the walls I had built to receiving. Check in with your families, friends and intimate relationships and find out how others in your life feel most loved. They might need you to translate your love expressions into the language of physical touch, kind words or acts of service. And you might need to ask them to do the same.

Love rests on no foundation.

It is an endless ocean,

with no beginning or end.

Imagine,

a suspended ocean,

riding on a cushion of ancient secrets.

All souls have drowned in it,

and now dwell there.

One drop of that ocean is hope,

And the rest is fear.

~Rumi

 

Ready to Evolve

I have been anticipating this post for a very long time. I am filled with joy to tell you about some of the most exciting decisions of my life. They haven’t been easy and some have taken every ounce of courage to jump over the fears of my past conditioning. A friend who I briefly knew in Seoul recently messaged me asking me how I can just go all over the world and do what I want to do without fear. My immediate response was, “Of course I’m afraid!” But I am learning the difference between fears that keep you alive and fears that keep you from living. I am determined to manifest my dreams and I’m so happy that you are a part of them.

And with that, here they are!

Welcome to my new website: Bewholebehappy.com

This has been months in the making and years in the thinking. I actually almost bought this domain name 5 years ago in a café in India after I left Korea the last time. But I knew at that time I was not ready for whatever developing a website means. Now I know it means quite a bit of organization and vision, some money, and a lot of support. A few things are still being tweaked, but it is ready to share with the world.

Why Be Whole Be Happy?

Because as Swami Vivekananda says, “Happiness is our birthright. Happiness is the treasure of our soul.” Happiness exists inside us. It is there waiting for us. Through the process to authentic living, we can uncover our whole self, and discover and experience happiness every day.

I would love for you to visit my website and sign up for my new mailing list. I’ll be sending out periodic emails as I have been the past few years, with more frequency but the same integrity and honesty that you’ve come to expect from me.

The first thing you’ll notice on the site is my name, Grace. I’ve decided to change my teaching name to Grace. My international communities have known me as Grace for a number of years, as have some communities around the US. I made this decision for a number of reasons. First, it reminds me every time I hear it of the Divine influence in my life and the inseparability of Divine Will from my own will. In that way, it is something of a “spiritual name” as it brings me closer to Spirit when I hear and say it. And hopefully it does for you, too. It was a surprise to both me and my mom when I found out a few years ago that Karissa actually means Grace in Greek. If you’ve known me as Karissa, you don’t have to start calling me Grace. But that’s how I’ll be introducing myself in the teaching world from now on.

Please also note my new email address: [email protected].

One more joyous announcement: I’m teaming up with another Tantric Yoga teacher from Portland, Amitayus, to begin offering courses in both Seattle and Portland this spring and summer. We have a lot scheduled for this year already. You can see the first few offerings in Upcoming Courses on my website. You’ll also see our name –Spanda Tantra Yoga – on our offerings. Come to an event to see what it’s all about! We are so very excited to continue our teachings together and create a larger community of like-minded, truth-seeking, consciously awakening souls in the northwest. I hope you will join us!

I’m also delighted to return to Three Trees Yoga to offer some of my favorite series beginning on April 20th. First, a satsang (community of truth) based on The Crest Jewel of Discrimination, a 1000 year old text by Adi Shankacarya. Click here for more information on this Yoga off the Mat series. Second, Journey with me into the Sacred Feminine. Tantra is all about connecting to Shakti – the life force, power, creation and manifestation that surrounds us in every form. This series is limited to 12 women. We start on April 20 in Federal Way and June 2 in Seattle. Don’t miss it!

Before I return to Seattle in early April, I am taking a month on the island of Koh Phangan in Thailand to decompress and study. I’m doing a few intensive courses at Agama Yoga to renew my personal inspiration from gifted teachers. And taking a lot of time to reflect on this past year and a half in Asia. I feel that the tides are shifting for me. I’m starting to uncover some of the shadows of my past and making room for what really serves me and my global community. This year is latent with new expressions of joyful teaching, inspiring teachers and blessed choices. I pray that my vision will lead me and all those who join on the path to more awakened decisions, free from past karma and full of creative and limitless energy!

Love and Gratitude,
Karissa – Grace

Coming Home – Inside & Out

intuition

Here we are, embarking on a new journey around the sun. Another winter solstice has passed and we are slowly returning to the light. So, now what? I hear that question a lot and every time I greet it with a new response.

Now we pause for gratitude.

Now we breathe in the life around us.

Now we get quiet and listen.

Now we learn and grow.

Now we dance and sing.

Now we shed the old and make way for the new.

Now…we stop.

Winter is the season of slowing down, of being yin, turning inwards and reflecting quietly. I have taken some time in the past few months to reflect on my intention of 2015 to trust my intuition and that little voice and feeling in my gut that says, “Yes!” or “No.” I’ve found that the more I listen to it, the more it rings like a gong instead of dinging like a triangle. It captures my attention and has programmed my mouth to respond authentically, instead of following what I “should” do. And that has created the fearlessness with which I enter 2016…and return to you.  

The notion of “coming home” is very sacred in the mystic traditions of this planet. It is called many names, but always means returning to who we really are, instead of living from the limitations we create for ourselves. This year I’m so excited to embark on some new authentic offerings with courageous and inspiring teachers here in Seoul and in the Pacific Northwest. The rumors are true: I’ll be in Seattle in early April and will spend the Spring and Summer offering workshops, courses and retreats in the Seattle and Portland area, and beyond. With these offerings comes the call to “come home,” to step into the light and to manifest the life that truly inspires you.

I am in the process of creating a new website and fine-tuning the offerings I am most inspired to share this year. While I have some ideas already lined up, I am also open to the needs and desires of my communities near and far.

So, here is my call to you: Join me in creating and sharing offerings of authentic exploration and creation!

Contact me with…

  • Your personal or professional desire for 1 on 1 Yoga Coaching or Life Coaching
  • Connections to yoga studios to host offerings for Conscious Living and Relationships
  • Companies, corporations or groups interested in Mindfulness Training
  • Retreat or workshop centers geared towards Satsang – Communities of Truth
  • Women’s groups yearning to explore the Sacred Feminine
  • Inspired ideas for collaboration

Stay tuned for another email this month with dates and details. And in the meantime, let’s set a collective intention to fearlessly connect with those who inspire us to be more than what we think we are. I’ve created a vision board with the teachers who most inspire me and with whom I’d like to study and share. For I’ve found that the only limitations I have are those I impose on myself. Let’s shatter those limitations and grow together.

 

I Belong Here – I Am at Home

I must start by saying that however near or far we may be, I am grateful that you are a part of my community. I continue to be reminded how important resonance with like-minded, inspiring souls is as I walk this globe and connect with people from unbelievably different circumstances. My community in Seoul continues to expand into different circles, but as usual the people I feel most drawn to and inspired by are those on a path of self-discovery and self-growth. This is the path of Yoga, of finding your truest self through disciplined and continuous searching, cleansing, practicing, sharing and connecting.

It has been many months since I have reached out. And while some things have changed, as they always do, some things have also stayed the same, like my challenge of living in a city of 10+ million people, 25 million in the metropolitan area. The buzzing energy of this city is exciting and exhausting and I am trying to balance how to stay open to the flow of life but also not get sucked into the mainstream ways of living. Fortunately, I do have some really wonderful friends here, both Korean and other nationalities, who support my journey and keep me smiling. The generous Universe has recently thrown some spirits my way who remind me that people who choose to live with consciousness and awareness exist everywhere and that maybe I am the fool for not looking for it more often.

Teaching Yoga

An interesting calling and intuition has appeared lately: to introduce Korea to the style of Yoga that I find most beneficial and direct, Agama Yoga. Not only through my own teachings, but perhaps in inspiring people to go and immerse themselves in a Yoga community. Today I taught a Diving Deep: Yoga to Open the Heart Workshop and by the time the class was over, you could see the cracked-open souls who were daring to bare their hearts to one another. When I first advertised it 3 weeks ago, the class filled up in 24 hours. I have more workshops on the calendar and plan to offer a Transformative Women’s Journey this summer. While I don’t have the energy to teach a full schedule of yoga classes in addition to full-time teaching, etc., I think teaching regular classes is something that I will manifest for the 2nd half of my time here, both in Korean and in English. Plus it really motivates me to study Korean, more than learning conversations about going to the post office. There is always the fine line of boundaries, of knowing when to rest and when to act, and I will listen as best I can to my energy levels and daily need to recharge.

A Prayer

I pray that your world is shimmering with Shakti’s radiant dance and Shiva’s full-on consciousness. May you also take the time soon to connect or reconnect with those who inspire you and whom you in turn inspire.  And may this quote from the Radiance Sutras remind you, as it reminds me, that we are always at home.

Enter the bowl of vastness that is the heart.

Listen to the song that is always resonating.

Give yourself to it with total abandon.

Quiet ecstasy is here –

And a steady, regal sense

Of resting in a perfect spot.

You who are the embodiment of blessing,

Once you know the way,

The nature of attention will call you to return.

Again and again, answer that call,

And be saturated with knowing,

“I belong here, I am at home.”

– The Radiance Sutras, #26

Quietly Rejoicing

living in korea

I’ve been living in Korea again nearly 2 months now and the only real observation I can make is that I Am Present. I am with the familiar, the unfamiliar, the challenging discomforts, the joyous comforts, the new routines and the constant changes with a seamless ease that makes me feel suspended between this world and another. It’s like I am watching a beautiful life of synchronicities and serendipitous meetings unfold, watching the moments pass by with simultaneous bliss and suffering, and screaming with gratitude all the while.

December  in Seoul was a month of loneliness, confusion, heartache, uber-caffeine and a wacky diet, and also a very stable yoga practice with a tapas (discipline) of heavy pranayama and meditation. I had a winter’s hibernation and barely left my house for 6 weeks, taking a lot of silence, reflecting on my cravings for people and things, and accepting my less-than-exuberant emotional and physical state. There was a solid week where I was so angry at myself for coming here and completely convinced that I had made the wrong choice. It was hard. And as I emerge, I feel that the cocoon has preserved and evolved me with stronger and more beautiful wings with which to fly into new and unknown territory.

Connection

Since I started living and teaching in Korea again in early January, I’ve found a lot of companionship and positive energy in my colleagues. I am adjusting my daily practice to move into what supports me while teaching full-time to high-energy kindergartners, abstained for 3 weeks from coffee and sugar, and seriously reset my diet. I enter a new month feeling energized, excited for the year ahead, and without fear or doubt that I am right where I need to be, learning lessons I have been perfectly ripened for.

I am blessed to be on a 10-month journey with a group of people moving through the yamas and niyamas, the traditional ways to live according to the Yoga path. This week we began month five, aparigraha or non-attachment, which I find to be the crux of a spiritual lifestyle. The basis of non-attachment for me is TRUST, which is my intention for 2015. The more I actually let go, relax into the intelligence of the Universe, and laugh at the ridiculousness of my claim to know anything, the easier I can accept what comes and let go of what goes. It is a dance that takes practice, precision, and expertise, and eventually completely freeing oneself of all those things. Good thing I packed my dancing shoes.

New Opportunities

When I first got to Seoul, the Universe directed me to a few interesting opportunities which I decided to pursue. One was to audition for an international choir which has a pretty solid rehearsal and performance schedule throughout the year. I haven’t sung in a choir in many, many years so I was excited and nervous when I found out a few weeks ago that I was accepted. We started rehearsals last week and already my soul is rejoicing at getting to make music with trained singers and sing in beautiful, beneficial engagements around Korea. Apparently, this year is one of making music for me, with teaching music full-time and singing once or twice a week with the choir. And in this, a part of me that’s been trying to get my attention for a while quietly rejoices.

Another opportunity was a small organization I found that coaches and tutors North Korean refugees living in Seoul. I expressed interest in volunteering a few weeks ago and am now coaching two North Korean refugees on telling their story and speaking about how to change things for North Koreans and refugees. One has already been accepted to speak at three engagements in the US in two weeks, and I have a feeling they will both be frequently commissioned as the national and global energy for Korean Unification grows this year. I’ve started posting on the Supporters without Borders page with links, information, and how you can help if you’re interested. I personally believe Korean Unification is imminent and it’s up to us an international community to offer much-needed support however we can. Please visit the page and offer your encouragement!

I made a few blog posts earlier this month with some photos of the adorable kids in my school and my quaint and peaceful apartment. I also posted about my visa trip to Japan, a hilarious comedy of errors that involved traveling to Japan and back twice in subsequent weeks to get my Korean work visa.

The Usual Unexpected Twists

Quite unexpectedly, right after I started my job, I was asked if I could teach yoga to the staff one evening a week. It became obvious that there was a lot of interest, so I accepted and we began our classes tonight. Six women attended, with many more excited to join next week, and they have already asked me to teach several times a week for 2+ hours a class. That sort of aspiration cannot go unheeded, in my opinion. I had no intention of teaching yoga this year and thought that I would take a little sabbatical, but I warmly welcome this opportunity and hope that my students will find peace, balance, and restoration from our practices together. I am in jaw-dropping awe of where the Universe has already led me in the past 7 weeks and baffled to even imagine what this year in Korea will look like.

Which leads me to my wrap up and take home from this lengthy post: be open to what comes.

Life is endlessly unexpected, and being present is the only way to embrace the stream of blessings and be in love with every moment. If you want to experience being present and how to suffer from your notions and expectations, try teaching anything (especially kindergarten) for a day. Every time I am stuck in the past or what I think “should” be happening I suffer, and my students also suffer as a byproduct of my power struggle. I see how being attached not only harms me but everyone around me.

I recently read The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra and love the techniques he offers in applying detachment to everyday life: “Today I will factor uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of problems, out of confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.”

For me, the gratitude is truly endless. I love living in Korea. I am in love with every moment and amazed at what keeps falling in my lap. May you also experience boundless acceptance and expansion in your days and nights this lunar cycle.

Alone, Grateful and Confused

Normally at this time of year people send out a little wrap-up of their year in progress, things they’ve accomplished, trips taken, family milestones, and plans for the new year. That is not the intention of this writing, so please don’t be disappointed by the non-traditional end of the year correspondence. And I’m grateful that you’re here to read my musings, yet again.

I have been reminded lately of one of my favorite sayings, “If you want to make God laugh, just tell him your plans.” I continue to learn the ebb and flow between ideas, plans, and spontaneous actions inspired by intuition. Which leads us to my current situation of flying through the air alone and landing in Seoul a few days ago without a safety net. One thing I continue to experience more and more is a feeling of expansion and a “knowing” that there are no wrong decisions. In fact, there are no decisions. Intuition tells us everything we need to know, including the responsibility we need to take for our actions, the effects our actions will cause, and to trust that this, too, is right. I recently read about this phenomenon in The Tao of Pooh. “From our natural state (the Uncarved Block) comes the ability to enjoy the simple and the quiet, the natural and the plain. Along with that comes the ability to do things spontaneously and have them work, odd as that may appear to others at times.”

After a few months of emotional ups and downs, pushing and pulling, and an constant letting go into the unknown of relationships, finances, family, and practice, I followed my intuition and bought a one-way ticket to Seoul with the possibility of getting a job teaching music and theater to gifted kindergarten students in the massive capital of South Korea. You probably know me to be a spontaneous person, trusting in my intuition and going on many an adventure into the wide world. But this was new to me. In the past, I’ve always had a plan of attack where I went, a workshop or retreat to attend, a place to volunteer and serve, a job, etc. I must specifically thank the influence of my partner these past few years in reminding me time and time again to trust what comes and what feels right as the “right thing.”

When I had the thought of just going to Korea (it was literally one of those moments where you feel the light come on over your head) I smiled at the ridiculousness of it, especially in how quickly I would be leaving Seattle and that I would be alone for the holidays with so much uncertainty and emotional confusion left at home. And I decided to jump feet first instead of continuing to wait for the “perfect thing,” which seemed like it wouldn’t manifest over any more time scanning job ads on the computer. And then came the beauty of being present and not upset by other people’s reactions to my decision.

Fast forward one week and here I am in Seoul, snow and all, alone, grateful, and still confused. I realized a long time ago that feelings are not geographically contained. That may seem obvious to you, but it’s taken me a lot of years of mistakes, messiness, and heartache to really know. Whatever you leave in your home, your holiday spot, your schools, etc, will still be there – no matter where you go in the world. What I’ve left in Seattle is mostly an unfathomable abundance of Love and acceptance. I feel so grateful to miss my family, something I know that a lot of families don’t experience no matter how long they’re apart. I’m grateful to have led some amazing emotional and spiritual journeys this year with my community, to meet new like-minded souls, to inspire and be inspired, and to connect even deeper with those who resonate with my crazy ways.

And I’m grateful that I can take action in my life without letting fear paralyze me, to jump continents, jobs, relationships, experiences, and accept whatever comes next. Or to stay still and be with what is in one place for a while. Let’s get this straight: it’s not that I don’t experience fear. I feel afraid every single day. But I let this be a tool to guide me to making intuitive decisions, not a barrier to moving forward with growth and change.

And this is what I want to continue working with in the New Year. Intuition. Internal guidance. It’s easy enough to say that I know everything I need to know and already am everything I need to be, but to believe it and LIVE it is quite another. I’ve been telling myself those things for seven years and now I’m ready to trust in my intuition and follow where it leads. I find that it often feels fuzzier and less specific than having a rational, logic-based answer to back-up my actions. And it means I might not always simply be nice or say “yes” to every opportunity that comes along. It might mean that I change my mind and cancel plans more often, short-term and long-term. I might take more time for solitude and quiet and turn my back on the world for a little while in order to listen more clearly to my internal guide. And it certainly means that I will be more present with my emotions and allow myself to feel sadness, grief, loneliness, heartbreak, longing, confusion, AND gratitude, bliss, grace, abounding love, compassion, sweetness and the vastness of human experiences. Without judgment. Well, I’ll try, anyway.

For your peace of mind, I’ll let you know that I did get the job which begins January 1st and comes with some really sweet students and co-workers, an apartment (starting Jan 1) in walking distance to my school, a few days in Japan to process my visa, and a salary enough to begin realizing my financial goals. Tomorrow I move to a warmer guesthouse in Gangnam where I’ll stay until I go to Japan. Everything works out in the end. And if it hasn’t worked out yet, then it must not be the end. (I can’t take credit for that, I heard it a few weeks ago.)

May you experience the next step on your journey with confidence, strength, acceptance, love, and connection. Call on your guides to support you and remember that you are never, ever alone. Even if you don’t feel the things you need to nourish and support you right now…they are simply waiting for you to ask for help.

 

Shattering Our Illusions

I once had a yoga teacher who said, “If you think you’re enlightened, go home.” The point of that statement is that our home is where most of our programming came from. Our samskaras, our patterns, our habits. As I immerse in the study of karma yoga with an eager group of yogis, we all unravel together the illusory bonds that keep us coming back to the causes of our suffering day after day. And where better to remember those than with the sights, smells, and memories that we grew up with. We look at how to shatter the illusions that keep us bound, safe, small and less than our full human and divine potential.

I will admit that part of why I love traveling is going to places where no one knows a thing about me and I can show up fully present to what that moment needs. It’s easy to put down baggage when it’s not attached to my immediate surroundings. And part of why I love coming back is because the hugs, kisses, and chats are so deeply familiar and filled with years of collected understanding.

Can we bridge those two lives? Can we create familial community abroad and non-attached presence at home? Maybe that is part of my yogic exploration on this journey. I’ve recently come to call this ‘shattering the illusions.’ What illusions? All of them that keep us trapped in unconscious living, repetitive patterns that we were ready to break long ago, and stuck in a loop of fear and reaction – towards life and the people we desperately need to help set us free.

I am offering a workshop on Sept. 27th in Seattle – mostly likely my last on American soil this year – on breaking the illusion of separation that we all face through authentic connection with ourselves (on the mat) and others (off the mat). Not just breaking, but shattering. Because it is only a mask, a facade, a mirror reflecting an obscured picture of the world. What is actually shining back at us is pure satchitananda – truth, consciousness and bliss. Come and find it.

What’s Next or What’s Now?

I have been beyond blessed this summer to spend time, both in Seattle and in the beauty of the northwest, with friends, family and loved ones. I danced and loved at two yoga festivals in BC, spent time with the goddesses in my family in Leavenworth, took a spontaneous trip to Whidbey with my beloved partner, and have more adventures planned for my last weeks in the Puget Sound. It’s time I answer the question of, “So, what’s next??”

I have two more weeks teaching musical theater in the Seattle area, along with wrapping up the Transformative Women’s Journey, leading Diving Deep: Yoga to Open the Heart workshop at Three Trees Yoga, and starting a 4-week discussion series called ‘A Practical Guide to Karma Yoga: The Path of Action,’ also at the wonderful home of Three Trees Yoga in Federal Way. If you’ve been curious about how to take your yoga practice into every moment of your life, through  your words, actions, and work in the world, this series is for you! Then, beginning August 25th, I will be attending a 4-week intensive CELTA course in English Teaching in Tacoma, so my homebase will move to Federal Way for that time. And then I “plan” to take off around the 1st of October with an English teaching contract somewhere in the world…yet to be manifested!

My last offering of the summer will be a special something that is still brewing. I hope to announce it soon. Stay tuned for a juicy and connecting time that will re-set you on your path through the rest of the year. I would also love to connect with you in my northwest tribe if we haven’t had the chance yet.

As I immerse in the flow of the Universe moment by moment, I find myself laughing and crying at Shakti’s expression of time, the paradoxically limiting and expansive force of our existence. Intimately knowing both groundedness and restlessness, I am surprised to awake each morning to one less day in Seattle and one day closer to the next adventure. Of course, that’s all not real because the Truth is actually what’s unfolding in the present, not the past or the future. I set the intention to show up to every hug, prayer, teachable moment, candlelight dinner, walk in the park, and frustrating thought, equally and attentively, and remind myself through all of those moments that we are not humans reaching for a Divine experience, we are Divine Spirits expressing ourselves through human form. And all you have to do is show up. Easy, right?