It Exists: The Tantric Quickie

intertwined legs of a man and woman laying on the ground

Have you been thinking that Tantric sex means slow sex?

Slow sex is delicious. It helps us become more aware and attentive to all the sensations, obvious and subtle, that we exchange with another body during lovemaking. But Tantric sex isn’t defined by its speed or duration.

Tantric sex is goalless.

It’s free of expectations. It’s full of a love without attachment. Tantric sex is as deep as the moment allows. And it’s present with what the moment calls for.

I’m all up for slow, all-night lovemaking. Sometimes. I’ll be honest – I like to go to bed early, and I can get tired during the all-night marathons. For me, the Tantric quickie can be just as deep and profound, earth-shattering, and laughter and tear-filled as a longer love-making session.

I also love the excitement of a time limit, a secret hiding place, pulling off the road in a secluded forest, or needing to be really quiet so others don’t know you’re doing it.

Here’s a little “how to” on the Tantric Quickie. Note that these are not rules, they are simply guidelines to keep you on the track of freedom for your afternoon delight, late-night snack, or pit-stop. You make the rules if you need them. And you demolish the rules that don’t serve and keep you limited by stories of right and wrong.

Click here for the full article on Beducated.com

Female Ejaculation – A Complete Guide to Splashy Fun

woman floating in a pool looking up

When I was 18, I experienced something I thought at the time was terrifyingly embarrassing. I was in the car with my boyfriend and decided we needed to find a secluded place to touch each other in the woods.

Having found the perfect spot, he pressed me into a tree, lifted my skirt and started fingering my cunt, something he did with diligent precision and expertise from his Maxim magazine reading. After a few minutes and a few big orgasms, we found that there was clear liquid running down my leg.

And, of course, we thought it was pee.

Our short-lived assumption, this is back before you Googled things in your car, was that I had sexual incontinence, meaning that sex made me pee. As this started happening more and more, we did a little research and found that what was coming out of my vagina when he touched me a certain way was NOT in fact urine, it was ejaculate. Female ejaculate.

Over the years, I got really good at ejaculating and even started finding partners who really, really liked female ejaculation. Some even fetishized it. I started watching “squirting” porn and would get very turned on seeing other women ejaculate as well.

And eventually, I became a Tantric practitioner who offers Yoni massage and helps women access this incredibly intimate, sensual and powerful place in themselves.

Read the full article at Beducated.

Mindful (S)expectations

legs of a couple

Oh, the tangled webs we weave when we pretend to not have expectations. Talk about setting yourself up for failure.

It’s a funny thing, really, to walk into a long-anticipated connection with an intimate partner and think that you’re both coming in with the same intentions and emotions. Last September, my lover Lila and I met in Mexico, after 2 months of being apart.

Instead of talking about our expectations and where we currently were, we just showed up, without too much communication over the previous month.

We tried to believe that all would go swimmingly, while secretly asking ourselves:

Would we love each other the same?
Would we still see the Goddess in one another?
Would we be as hungry for each other as we were the last time?
Would the changes in our other lovers change how we related? For better or worse?

We didn’t actually ask any of these questions aloud.

What we did do was show up with a whole truckload of unspoken expectations and fears. Seven days later, we parted ways again – me to Mexico for the fall and Lila back home to Sydney – having returned to the bliss of remembering our deep love for one another and the recognition of the Divine in our connection.

But it wasn’t fucking easy. Shit came up. Again and again.

And what did we do?

We remembered that conflict is actually part of a relationship. And we didn’t let each other walk away.

Read the full article on Omooni.

Yoni Massage 101

woman's back in tall grass field with arms up

Sssshhhh…

I want to share with you something very secret and very sacred. Something most people would never dream about which can totally change your life…

A yoni massage.

Yoni is the Sanskrit name for vagina, but it actually translates as temple or womb. Yoni is sacred and revered, unlike some of our common words for vagina, like pussy – which often is used derogatorily to mean weak. (Sidenote: I’m taking that word back.) Yoni is a symbol of the goddess as power, energy, life: the sacred feminine embodied.

Yoni

The term “yoni” does not only refer to women or bodies that have vaginas. All humans possess both masculine and feminine energies (also called yin and yang), so we can begin to understand our own yoni (sacred womb) as the deepest temple in our being, with the reverence that the Tantrics gave our human sex: fully divine.

For those assigned female or who have transitioned into assigned female sexual organs, the yoni refers directly to the vulva, vagina and cervix (as well as the rest of the reproductive system, but we’ll stick with the external parts for the sake of explaining yoni massage). Tantrics have long said that vaginas are to be revered, worshipped, adored and fully seen – and have created countless rituals and practices to do just that.

Cunts

Sadly, that is not often the way we experience our sex or how others view or treat our sex. Cunts have been given a pretty bad rep, and far too many people have experienced sexual repression, denial, coercion, manipulation, pressure, trauma, or violence. For many people, sexual interaction and expression aren’t times in which we feel revered and adored.

As an intimacy and relationship coach, it is my mission to change this pattern, one person at a time. My favorite way to spur this change is to spend time adoring, worshiping, and yes, massaging yonis.

What is a yoni massage, you ask? Think about a massage on any other part of your body: safe, loving touch and energetic opening to experience being in the body, relax, soothe, and deeply heal. A yoni massage is exactly that: safe, loving touch and energetic opening to reclaim embodiment, heal wounding and trauma, bring full acceptance, and open the flow of unconditional love throughout the body and into the yoni.

A Yoni Massage

A yoni massage is a chance for the yoni to be seen, petted, explored, mapped, desired, cared for and pleasured without any other sexual touch. No reciprocity. No expectation. Two or more hours just exploring the yoni and all of its unique, individual contours, hot buttons, sensitivities, and quite possibly traumas and stored emotions.

All yonis can benefit from this sacred and reverent touch, whether you’re attending the session with a specific need to heal, to orgasm, to be seen, or just to have space away from the rest of life. As a person with an active sex life, I still benefit from regular yoni massage to learn about myself, experience new sensations, and to commune with the divine. It helps me feel deeply seen and appreciated, safe, and held.

Every experience is unique. Every person’s intention is different. All bodies and experiences are welcome. All emotions, feelings and experiences are held with openness and acceptance. Instruction is slow, generous and soft. Requests are welcome. Boundaries are firmly communicated and respected. Consent and communication are explicit and professional. Hearts are opened. Bodies and psyches are healed. Wounds are seen and repaired. Experiences are confidential and continuously supported after the session. Questions are welcome!

For yonis who are healing from sexual violence or trauma, challenging relationships, a time of celibacy or a lack of physical touch, yoni massage can bring you back into connection with your physical body. It can invite you to engage with life in ways that might have felt inaccessible or closed off. It can heal a broken heart, or a series of them. It can awaken sensation you thought was dead, or just very dormant. It can reconnect you to YOU.

 

Curious to learn more right from your home? Check out the Yoni Massage 101 Course at Beducated! It’s a step-by-step program to learn how to give and receive a Yoni (Vulva) Massage. Suitable for singles and couples of all genders…and includes Yoni Self-Massage!

Here’s a few more online courses in Yoni practices…

Yoni Egg 101

Yoni Yoga

Taking My Pussy Back

pussy

Ever hear someone say “Stop being such a pussy,” or “What a little pussy”?

Likely you have and maybe it’s just one of those slang words that doesn’t bother you.

But if you wear a pussy every day, you might have started to become annoyed that one of the most power-wielding parts of your body is used to mean weak, shameful or unwanted.

So, I’m taking it back. I’m taking back my Pussy. And yours, too.

I was surprised to recently hear a person I really respect use the word pussy as a derogatory term. Instead of letting him get away with it, I reframed. Here’s a flavored-up rendition of the conversation:

Friend: “I’ve just been a real pussy lately. I need to get my shit together.”

Me: “So you’ve been incredibly powerful and sacred?”

Friend: “Oh, I see. Point taken.”

Me: “You can call yourself a pussy, if you really mean it. It’s quite a compliment.”

 

Words are incredibly powerful. They have the power to build us up or tear us down. Please, please don’t let others get away with tearing your pussy down. Call them out and take back our pussies.

Queer Tantra: A LGBT Approach to “Shiva Meets Shakti”

two men about to kiss

Polarity and sacred union are fundamental principles in Tantra. From the consciousness of oneness, or God, there comes the twoness, or duality. The two are lovingly named Shiva, the principle of pure consciousness and direction, and Shakti, the principle of energy, power and manifestation.

David Deida describes this duality as the banks of a river -“Shiva”, and the water flowing within -“Shakti”. The banks hold the flow, but the flow also carves the banks.

In spiritual sexuality and sexual Tantra, we reach unity when Shiva and Shakti become one, uniting through intentional practices, rituals and lovemaking. This takes our human consciousness from duality, how we normally experience reality as you and me, black and white, hot and cold, to nonduality, the consciousness of oneness.

I first learned all this six years ago in a Tantra fundamentals workshop taught to a group of heterosexual attendees by a couple of heterosexual instructors. As a bi-sexual woman, I got the message that I was included in the sexual practices of Tantra, when I was with men. Maybe I could give other women yoni massages or support female journeys and transformation, but I couldn’t possibly reach these ultimate levels when I fucked my girlfriend. Could I?

Read the whole article on Omooni.com.

Are you loving fearlessly?

My New Year’s intention for 2016 was two-fold: 1) Live fully empowered in each moment, and 2) Love fearlessly.

Well, when that’s what you’re putting out, take a guess what you’ll be getting back. Yeah, be careful what you wish for.

This year started with a bang of falling in love. After a year and a half of taking self-time, being intentionally single, diving into my own practices and a long period of solo integration, I went to the dangerously transformative island of Koh Phangan, Thailand and was struck by an incredible Australian woman who challenged me to be a more truthful version of myself. Not that I had been lying exactly. But I had been hiding behind a lot of mechanisms and patterns that kept me safe. I exactly hadn’t been loving fearlessly.

Like not being truthful about my sexuality.

Here I am, an empowered sexuality and relationship coach and facilitator. And when I did some investigation, I found that I still was carrying about 35 years of shame about being bi-sexual…and polyamorous. I was very good at hiding under the framework that if someone wanted to know something about me, they’d ask! But I don’t often hear people walking around asking, “What’s YOUR sexual orientation? Are you in open relationships?” Most people in America live under the heteronormative assumption. And I’ve surely been guilty of that as well.  

So I guess you handscould call this my coming out. It wasn’t exactly my intention to fall on the heels of Seattle Pride and the tragedy in Orlando. But I do strongly believe that these kinds of tragedies can effect change, personal empowerment and political shifts worldwide. Like perhaps supporting marriage equality in Australia (did you know gay marriage is explicitly illegal nationwide??? What???) and encouraging people to step into the most authentic version of themselves.

So what is loving fearlessly, for me? First, it’s embracing all the parts of me and loving them all equally and fully. Not just the successful, socially acceptable ones. But the ones that have brought me decades of shame and embarrassment like my near-lifelong fear of open water (cured!) or the fact that I never learned to ride a bike (still haven’t). Those things are pretty hard to share publicly.

The next step is to know that your relationships will cause you pain at some point. They just will. And that the pain is totally worth it. Rumi says, “You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” Tiptoeing into love will never break you open to actually knowing love. Staying safe will never crack your threshold to truly knowing yourself and connecting deeply with another soul.

That doesn’t mean it needs to hurt or that we should stay in loveless relationships. But sometimes the lovelessness is actually caused by our fear of going deep, being transparent and trusting to our partner enough to be vulnerable. If you’ve never read or seen Brené Brown, start with her TED talk. And then read her books. All of them. I honestly had no idea the places in me that were closed until I started ripping off the Band-Aids and looking beneath the surface, embracing all that muck as the actual fabric of my being and what’s got me here thus far. And then comes the ability to transform and let the lotus flowers sprout.

I can’t tell you how often people say to me that they want deep connection but they’re afraid to get hurt. I will tell you that it hurts. Having the aforementioned amazing Australian woman here for two weeks and then having to drop her at the airport a week ago hurt. It still hurts. It will continue to hurt until we see each other again. And…my heart is breaking open to new capacity which is flowing over to my clients, my family, the woman who just served me a cup of tea, my roommates who had to endure our lovesick ways, etc.

How is that possible? How can we turn the pain of separation and love wounds into more love? By recognizing that what you’re experiencing is actually love. It is unconditional love that you choose to stay in no matter how much it hurts. It is going in and in, to quote Danna Faulds. The feeling of separation which is the cause of our pain is our original wound of being separate from everything – from our connection to the Divine. And the bliss of reconnection, experiencing ourselves as the mystical unknown that we are is worth a million heart breakings.

Every time we crack the shell we’ve built over our hearts and minds, we allow ourselves to be more loving and more loved. Not Disney, romantic comedy love. But actual love which flows freely regardless of who or what is in front of you. It takes remarkable courage to let your heart break again and again so that you may let light in the cracks. You will feel more than you’ve ever felt. And I think this is what all religions and spiritual paths are teaching us: to feel it all, to embrace it all, to experience it all, and to turn it all into love.


How to know if you’re loving fearlesslyReveal Your Essence

Are you loving fearlessly? Are you investigating all the edges, rough patches, sticky places and dark hiding spots where you don’t want to look? This means embracing shadow. And shame. And the places where we’re afraid to be messy in favor of “saving face.”

Here are 4 things to consider when investigating how fearlessly you’re willing to love. Be kind to yourself as you answer them. If this is a process you’re just starting or are already immersed in, be sure to create some support systems for yourself. Talk to your loved one about this journey and let them know you might need some extra cuddles, Kleenex, and more air time than usual. And be prepared to need that and ask for it. Also if you know people going through this process, let them know they can be real with you without judgment or the need to fix things. They’ll appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.

1) What are you lying about?

To yourself? To your partner? To your community?

What parts of yourself do you just omit from conversations? Especially things like mistakes and embarrassments. We don’t need to constantly talk about our failures, but we also don’t need to be afraid to share them and be a little vulnerable. It will probably also inspire someone else to be more open to the things they’re not so proud of. Being vulnerable is numero uno importante when it comes to loving fearlessly.

Whatever you’re the most afraid to share, especially those skeletons that are dusty and dank from rotting in your closet for decades, give them some air time with people you trust. You will feel years lighter and more authentically yourself. And better yet, stopping the lies – which we all tell to maintain our precious image in our different social circles – makes less mental clutter because we have less to remember and less stories to keep straight. More space to show up and just be you.

Another revelation I had of late was that I loved being involved with my friends’ integrated communities, but I was terrified to do that myself. I tried to keep people separate and compartmentalize all the parts of my life. Opening all of these boxes and letting them mix has felt really messy and scary. And relieving. And surprisingly inspiring. It gives me room for my life to cross-pollinate a little bit, for my friends and lovers to know about each other, and to transfer the lessons I learn from one life situation into another.

2) Are you having the hard talks?

Another place to look is if you’re talking about that stuff that makes you cringe. With a new lover recently I had the STI/safe sex conversation which used to make me want to run and hide in a corner. After 5 years of being poly, I’ve boiled mine down to a few sentences of pertinent information and relevant questions that get it all out in the open and allow us to enter into trusting space, compassionate communication, and honesty. I spent my younger years being pretty sexually open and sex-positive. But I wasn’t taught that these are things you talk about or how to talk about them which led me to believe I was doing something wrong. And when I do something wrong, my inner demons love to persecute me. Mercilessly.

Someone recently said to me, “I don’t usually talk about that in my relationships.” Whatever that is for you, start talking about it! Where you feel dark and squeamish, there are most definitely demons haunting you and holding you hostage. My family didn’t used to talk about our core wounding, how we’ve hurt each other and what we’ve learned from each other. But we’re starting. And I feel a lot less elephants in the room and eggshells I have to carefully step around and avoid. Which frees up so much energy to actually be myself.

3) Are you making mistakes?

Love is messy.

Period.

If you’re not making mistakes and learning from them, you’re probably just repeating the same patterns and assumptions that you learned from your parents, teachers, movies or your society. Here’s a great conversation starter with partners and lovers: what’s a mistake you’ve made recently? What have you learned? How can they help hold you accountable for seeing that pattern when it comes up again?

To undo an ingrained pattern takes WAY more work than creating the pattern in the first place. Recognize that it’s going to come up again and the more people you have who can compassionately remind you that “you’re doing it again,” the more likely you are to grow out of habits that no longer serve you.

4) Do you say “I love you”?

When was the last time you stopped an important person in your life to tell them you love them? A family member? A chosen family member? A cousin? A co-worker or co-leader? Someone in your community? Do you tell people you love them? Or show them in different ways? When and how?

I used to be in the “we haven’t said I love you yet” camp in my intimate relationships. Where one person quietly says “I love you” after months of awkward dating and working up to those all-important, make-or-break, could-leave-you-feeling-horribly-uncomfortable words. But I also didn’t used to know how to love fearlessly. In a way that loving someone isn’t wrong and doesn’t need to be reciprocated.

It’s actually okay to say I love you and not have the other person say it back. Because love isn’t dependent on someone else’s feelings. It’s an unconditional gift that you offer from the heart because you want them to know they are loved, supported and cared for. Which doesn’t make them responsible for your love or feeling a certain way about you. When you offer love in this way, there is no disappointment or rejection. Just love.

One little trick to this is also discerning if your loved ones are actually hearing you when express love. They might not speak the same language as you when it comes to giving and receiving love. In my family we often say “I love you,” but I spent a chunk of my childhood feeling unloved because of the walls I had built to receiving. Check in with your families, friends and intimate relationships and find out how others in your life feel most loved. They might need you to translate your love expressions into the language of physical touch, kind words or acts of service. And you might need to ask them to do the same.

Love rests on no foundation.

It is an endless ocean,

with no beginning or end.

Imagine,

a suspended ocean,

riding on a cushion of ancient secrets.

All souls have drowned in it,

and now dwell there.

One drop of that ocean is hope,

And the rest is fear.

~Rumi