Alone, Grateful and Confused
Normally at this time of year people send out a little wrap-up of their year in progress, things they’ve accomplished, trips taken, family milestones, and plans for the new year. That is not the intention of this writing, so please don’t be disappointed by the non-traditional end of the year correspondence. And I’m grateful that you’re here to read my musings, yet again.
I have been reminded lately of one of my favorite sayings, “If you want to make God laugh, just tell him your plans.” I continue to learn the ebb and flow between ideas, plans, and spontaneous actions inspired by intuition. Which leads us to my current situation of flying through the air alone and landing in Seoul a few days ago without a safety net. One thing I continue to experience more and more is a feeling of expansion and a “knowing” that there are no wrong decisions. In fact, there are no decisions. Intuition tells us everything we need to know, including the responsibility we need to take for our actions, the effects our actions will cause, and to trust that this, too, is right. I recently read about this phenomenon in The Tao of Pooh. “From our natural state (the Uncarved Block) comes the ability to enjoy the simple and the quiet, the natural and the plain. Along with that comes the ability to do things spontaneously and have them work, odd as that may appear to others at times.”
After a few months of emotional ups and downs, pushing and pulling, and an constant letting go into the unknown of relationships, finances, family, and practice, I followed my intuition and bought a one-way ticket to Seoul with the possibility of getting a job teaching music and theater to gifted kindergarten students in the massive capital of South Korea. You probably know me to be a spontaneous person, trusting in my intuition and going on many an adventure into the wide world. But this was new to me. In the past, I’ve always had a plan of attack where I went, a workshop or retreat to attend, a place to volunteer and serve, a job, etc. I must specifically thank the influence of my partner these past few years in reminding me time and time again to trust what comes and what feels right as the “right thing.”
When I had the thought of just going to Korea (it was literally one of those moments where you feel the light come on over your head) I smiled at the ridiculousness of it, especially in how quickly I would be leaving Seattle and that I would be alone for the holidays with so much uncertainty and emotional confusion left at home. And I decided to jump feet first instead of continuing to wait for the “perfect thing,” which seemed like it wouldn’t manifest over any more time scanning job ads on the computer. And then came the beauty of being present and not upset by other people’s reactions to my decision.
Fast forward one week and here I am in Seoul, snow and all, alone, grateful, and still confused. I realized a long time ago that feelings are not geographically contained. That may seem obvious to you, but it’s taken me a lot of years of mistakes, messiness, and heartache to really know. Whatever you leave in your home, your holiday spot, your schools, etc, will still be there – no matter where you go in the world. What I’ve left in Seattle is mostly an unfathomable abundance of Love and acceptance. I feel so grateful to miss my family, something I know that a lot of families don’t experience no matter how long they’re apart. I’m grateful to have led some amazing emotional and spiritual journeys this year with my community, to meet new like-minded souls, to inspire and be inspired, and to connect even deeper with those who resonate with my crazy ways.
And I’m grateful that I can take action in my life without letting fear paralyze me, to jump continents, jobs, relationships, experiences, and accept whatever comes next. Or to stay still and be with what is in one place for a while. Let’s get this straight: it’s not that I don’t experience fear. I feel afraid every single day. But I let this be a tool to guide me to making intuitive decisions, not a barrier to moving forward with growth and change.
And this is what I want to continue working with in the New Year. Intuition. Internal guidance. It’s easy enough to say that I know everything I need to know and already am everything I need to be, but to believe it and LIVE it is quite another. I’ve been telling myself those things for seven years and now I’m ready to trust in my intuition and follow where it leads. I find that it often feels fuzzier and less specific than having a rational, logic-based answer to back-up my actions. And it means I might not always simply be nice or say “yes” to every opportunity that comes along. It might mean that I change my mind and cancel plans more often, short-term and long-term. I might take more time for solitude and quiet and turn my back on the world for a little while in order to listen more clearly to my internal guide. And it certainly means that I will be more present with my emotions and allow myself to feel sadness, grief, loneliness, heartbreak, longing, confusion, AND gratitude, bliss, grace, abounding love, compassion, sweetness and the vastness of human experiences. Without judgment. Well, I’ll try, anyway.
For your peace of mind, I’ll let you know that I did get the job which begins January 1st and comes with some really sweet students and co-workers, an apartment (starting Jan 1) in walking distance to my school, a few days in Japan to process my visa, and a salary enough to begin realizing my financial goals. Tomorrow I move to a warmer guesthouse in Gangnam where I’ll stay until I go to Japan. Everything works out in the end. And if it hasn’t worked out yet, then it must not be the end. (I can’t take credit for that, I heard it a few weeks ago.)
May you experience the next step on your journey with confidence, strength, acceptance, love, and connection. Call on your guides to support you and remember that you are never, ever alone. Even if you don’t feel the things you need to nourish and support you right now…they are simply waiting for you to ask for help.